But God commendeth his love towards us, in that, while we were sinners,

Christ died for us.

Roman 5:8

Duality exists within everyone on the planet.  It is our wounded self that steers us away from our higher selves and does damage to self and others.  Likewise, your co-parent has a wounded self that causes them to make poor choices.  It does not help to justify the frequency of our destructive actions or keep count. It is not a competition. It is our wounded self that wants to make the other person responsible for the bulk of our problems.

Say your former partner was not an effective listener, did not give you attention, left the parenting to you or had difficulty saying no to work demands, does not mean they are less than you.  Even if they were too afraid to communicate their unhappiness to you and took the easy road by drinking, and becoming addicted to porn does not mean they are less than you in God’s eyes. Say they hired the most aggressive attorney to try to get custody of the children because they were afraid. This does not make them of less value to God.  It makes them vulnerable and frightened just like you.

To protect our wounded selves and hide our insecurity, we blame rather than feel our own shame. When we can relate to each other, even our “enemy,” we can see their vulnerable side which will naturally reduce our hostility towards them.  So, to be a peacemaker and look for the wounded and frightened soul that resides within your co-parent.  Anything that allows you to develop empathy for your co-parent as offender will help you on the path of awareness, forgiveness and peace.  Accept your own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with humility so you can accept theirs.

You and your co-parent are the product of a loving Creator.   Imagine parts of your co-parent that you may be able to admire or respect despite their negative behaviors towards you.  Avoid thinking in “all or nothing” ways. Separate the person from the problem, the spouse from the parent, the sinner from the child of God.

Heavenly Father,

Remind me that I only see fragments of my co-parent.  I only see what I want to see because of my negative beliefs and our history.  Help me see their attempts to be an active and effective parent rather than only focusing on their failures. As a result, Lord help me behave in a generous and flexible manner when it might benefit our child or benefit my co-parent.  Forgive me my sins and help me to recognize that neither me nor my co-parent are perfect.  Neither of us desires your unconditional love and forgiveness.  Give me strength to love.  Amen

 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,

just as in Christ God forgave you.    

Eph 4:32 NIV

It has been said that forgiving an offender means letting go of the wish for bad things to happen to them while praying for your enemy is a wish for good things to happen to them.  Seeking the highest good for your co-parent means a prayer to bless them and help them grow and mature in their relationship with God.  Praying for the spiritual needs of your coparent will insulate you from bitterness.

Yet an unforgiving mind does not function effectively. We become certain of its judgements of others and shut out all other possibilities.  The unforgiving mind is rigid and remains in the past. Often our unconscious mind may not want the future to be different than the past.  The mind can see themselves as innocent and others as guilty.  It thrives on conflict and on being right.  It sees everything and everyone as separate.  Harboring frustration or bitterness is actually a punishment to us.

The cost of holding on to the pain is emotional, physical and spiritual duress.  An unforgiving mind can keep you up at night, cause you to be irritable with others and negatively impact your well-being.  Most importantly, holding on to the pain can negatively impact your relationship with God. You will be out of alignment with God’s will and His commandments.  How can you love your child while hating the other parent?  How can you go to Holy Communion with hate in your heart? At night when you tuck your child into bed and repeat the Lord’s prayer how can you ignore the request of “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us?”

Lord,

Renew my mind and eliminate any thoughts of revenge for bad things to happen to my child’s other parent.  I need your protection from my selfish thoughts.  Help me to let go and forgive as You command. Lord, I know you recognize the hypocrisy within me- convict me-challenge me-change me in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen

Don’t sin by letting anger control you…

Psalm 4:4

When you are suffering in an unbearably unjust situation, your anger may turn to resentment.   If you attach anger to the face of our co-parent, overtime you will find yourself handcuffed to them and consumed by resentment.  Being angry is not a sin but acting on it or being controlled by your anger is. Anger and resentment give a “foothold to the devil.” Anger, resentment, bitterness, pride and unforgiveness have a way of building a closed system that leaves no room for compassion or kindness.  If letting go is not working then create a ritual to reinforce your desire to change.  For example, carry a rock in your pocket and identify it as your bitterness/resentment/pride/unforgiveness.  Pray and mediate on God’s Holy Word asking for the strength to let go.

Most of us do not want to live a life enslaved by negative emotions.  Address your pride, work through your anger, and make a commitment to let go of bitterness and forgive. Recognize the magnitude of this task but remember with God, nothing is impossible.  Ask for God’s divine intervention.

Lord,

I can feel my anger turning into resentment when it seems the situations keep repeating.  Help me to focus on changing myself rather than waiting on my co-parent to change.  Release me from the darkness that comes over me with these feelings.  I choose to see my co-parent as -my child’s other parent rather than the person who has harmed me personally.  Be with me as I work through these feelings. I know, with Your help, I can make this happen.  Amen

Do not deceive yourselves.  If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become “fools” so that you may become wise.

1 Corinthians 3:18

Sure, you have a long laundry list of complaints about your co-parent.  Do you really think your coparent is 100% responsible for the family separation or the current hostilities?  Proverbs 28:13 says that “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves.”  For example, even when someone has betrayed you that is not the complete reason for the failed relationship.  There is always more.  Are you able to recognize your contribution to the current conflict?  How do you complicate the current conflict? Do you withhold parenting information, make unilateral decisions, block access or share negative information with your child?  Unless you can accept the reality that you are part of the problem, you will see yourself as the victim and not learn anything from the painful process.

If you cannot handle any negative feedback, you will be easily wounded.  This makes relationships very difficult to navigate.  You will likely use denial to protect ourselves.  Denial can be very effective and powerful but it does not create growth. We can become our own worst enemies. Would you prefer to be blind to reality or face your own flaws head on?  The more insecure the person, the harder it is for them to face their darker side.  If you are unable to see your part, it may be because your ego is too fragile. This is not going to sit well for your own growth psychologically nor spiritually.  God expects us to face the truth.  The truth really can set you free.

We need rescuing from ourselves because if sin remains, we will be drawn to desire.  We will think, say and do what God names as evil.  It is important that we accept this reality of our nature in order to see ourselves honestly.  When we think we are righteous, we expect others around us also to be righteous.  Self-righteousness is being more concerned for the knowledge of sin of others than of your own. This leaves us being judgmental, demanding and constantly disappointed.  When we think we are righteous, we are likely sinning with pride and deceiving ourselves.  How can we begin to take responsibility for our poor choices if we refuse to recognize how easy it is for us to sin?  The scary deception of sin is that, at the point of sinning, sin doesn’t look all that sinful.

Heavenly Father,

Help me to take the step of maturity and face my darker side and own my contribution to the problems.  Help me not to think in “all or nothing” terms. I want the courage to see with spiritually mature eyes who I really am and not deceive myself.  If I am, please reveal it to me and give me the courage to cease cooperating with deceptive schemes.  Help me to reframe negative feedback as a gift rather than an attack. Help me have the maturity to use the feedback to grow to be more like Jesus.  Amen

 ….is there no King in thee?

Micah 4:9 CEV

As a parent, you certainly do not want to shame your child when you discipline then.   If you speak to the fool in your child, the fool will stand up.  If you speak to the King in your child, the King will stand up.  Likewise, if you speak to the fool within your co-parent that is who will ultimately stand up. On the other hand, if you speak to the King in your co-parent you may be surprised to find that the king may just stand up.

How do you make this happen?  By giving your co-parent respect, giving them the benefit of the doubt, speaking with compassion rather than contempt and avoid any negative assumptions about them or their motive. You can probably list all the ways in which your co-parent may act the fool.  This is not their best side.  Instead assume that there is a king within that you must speak to in order to get them to respond.

If you met a real king, you would be humble and respectful.  You would make any requests gently and carefully. You would assume the King has no reason to harm you and may want to help.  Can you Imagine making this much of a shift in how you speak to your co-parent?

Lord,

Help me speak to my co-parent in a different manner so I can get a different result.  Help me to expect the King so I have a better chance of finding the King.  Help me swallow my pride in order to speak to the King within him especially when I do not see the King.  Amen