Blog

What is the cost of your unforgiving mind?

  • Last updated: January 27, 2025 8:06 pm
  • Created: October 14, 2024 9:13 pm
  • Hits: 30
  • Rating:

 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,

just as in Christ God forgave you.    

Eph 4:32 NIV

 

It has been said that forgiving an offender means letting go of the wish for bad things to happen to them while praying for your enemy is a wish for good things to happen to them.  Seeking the highest good for your co-parent means a prayer to bless them and help them grow and mature in their relationship with God.  Praying for the spiritual needs of your coparent will insulate you from bitterness.

Yet an unforgiving mind does not function effectively. We become certain of its judgements of others and shut out all other possibilities.  The unforgiving mind is rigid and remains in the past. Often our unconscious mind may not want the future to be different than the past.  The mind can see themselves as innocent and others as guilty.  It thrives on conflict and on being right.  It sees everything and everyone as separate.  Harboring frustration or bitterness is actually a punishment to us.

The cost of holding on to the pain is emotional, physical and spiritual duress.  An unforgiving mind can keep you up at night, cause you to be irritable with others and negatively impact your well-being.  Most importantly, holding on to the pain can negatively impact your relationship with God. You will be out of alignment with God’s will and His commandments.  How can you love your child while hating the other parent?  How can you go to Holy Communion with hate in your heart? At night when you tuck your child into bed and repeat the Lord’s prayer how can you ignore the request of “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us?”

Lord,

Renew my mind and eliminate any thoughts of revenge for bad things to happen to my child’s other parent.  I need your protection from my selfish thoughts.  Help me to let go and forgive as You command. Lord, I know you recognize the hypocrisy within me- convict me-challenge me-change me in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen

 

Authors

Susan Boyan

Over the last few decades of working with conflicted Christian coparents, I have encouraged parents to use their love for their children to change their own destructive behaviors. Unfortunately, this worked for only a portion of the conflicted parents. Over time, I discovered that incorporating faith into treatment has been the most effective intervention for change. I recognized many years ago the need for Christian coparents to have scripture-based skills to assist them in making personal changes. As someone who is passionate about improving the lives of families affected by divorce, and as a person of faith, this project has been on my heart for a very long time. As the proverb goes, “necessity is the mother of invention.”

My background and degrees are in special education, rehabilitation counseling, community counseling and marriage and family therapy. Furthermore, I have been writing and training on divorce related topics since 1993. I have authored professional articles on high-conflict divorce and co-authored seven books for conflicted divorced parents, as well as produced a psycho-educational coparenting video. I have also done TV interviews and frequently testify as an expert in the field of high-conflict divorce, parental alienation and parenting coordination.

Trackback URL