Let all you do, be done in love.  

1 Corinthians 16:14 ESV

The story of the good Samaritan illustrates that sometimes it is the most unlikely person who steps up and does the right thing.  Those who were first to encounter the victim on the road had great status, acted righteous and did nothing. Yet the Samaritan, who was typically looked down upon by the Jews, was the man who took the beaten Jew and cared for him.  He tended to his wounds, found him shelter and provided for continued medical care.  He also left money to cover the man’s expenses.

What would this type of scenario look like today if your co-parent was harmed and you had an opportunity to step up and do the right thing.  If you saw your co-parent on the side of the road after a car accident, what would you do?  Would you stop?  Would you get them to the hospital?  Most likely you would at least call 911 to get them emergency care but would you follow them to the hospital, sit by their bed and hold their hand?  Would you help cover their medical expenses?

Lord,

Help me to be like the good Samaritan and have an open, compassionate, and generous heart.  Show me the ways in which I can step up, be a joyful giver, and be who You want me to be.  Give me the courage to push any pride or ego out of the way so that I can be your obedient child.  In Jesus’ name, Amen

 The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?

Psalm 118:6

When you are afraid, your thoughts will determine how anxious you become and how long you take to calm down.  Your thoughts will either fuel negative emotions like fear and anger or they will soothe you.    As, Horace, the early philosopher said, “Anger and fear are momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.”

One way you can reduce your emotional response is to recognize the power of your thoughts behind these feelings. In doing so you can learn to replace your distressful thoughts with self-soothing ones. For example, a thought such as, “He will never stop texting me harassing messages. I think he is setting me up to take me back to court” increases your emotional distress. A replacement thought might be “My coparent is certainly determined to speak with me about something. I will contact him after work.”  Or you may think to yourself, “He gets really anxious sometimes but does not know how to handle the stress. It will pass.”  “I don’t benefit from these anxious thoughts. I will write out my fear and place it in my prayer box for now because I cannot do anything about it.” Ultimately the most self-soothing thought is to remember Psalm 118:6; the Lord is with me. God will never leave me.”

Dear Lord,

Remind me that You, Lord, are always with me. I want to defuse the conflict in a manner that would please You.  Help me learn to soothe myself when I am under stress. I don’t want to numb my feelings nor let my anger seep out onto others.  Help me identify my fear and anger, learn from them, and not be overpowered or consumed by them.  Remind me to come to You for help so I can remain calm and able to think rather than react.  In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen

 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other,

just as in Christ God forgave you.    

Eph 4:32 NIV

It has been said that forgiving an offender means letting go of the wish for bad things to happen to them while praying for your enemy is a wish for good things to happen to them.  Seeking the highest good for your co-parent means a prayer to bless them and help them grow and mature in their relationship with God.  Praying for the spiritual needs of your coparent will insulate you from bitterness.

Yet an unforgiving mind does not function effectively. We become certain of its judgements of others and shut out all other possibilities.  The unforgiving mind is rigid and remains in the past. Often our unconscious mind may not want the future to be different than the past.  The mind can see themselves as innocent and others as guilty.  It thrives on conflict and on being right.  It sees everything and everyone as separate.  Harboring frustration or bitterness is actually a punishment to us.

The cost of holding on to the pain is emotional, physical and spiritual duress.  An unforgiving mind can keep you up at night, cause you to be irritable with others and negatively impact your well-being.  Most importantly, holding on to the pain can negatively impact your relationship with God. You will be out of alignment with God’s will and His commandments.  How can you love your child while hating the other parent?  How can you go to Holy Communion with hate in your heart? At night when you tuck your child into bed and repeat the Lord’s prayer how can you ignore the request of “forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us?”

Lord,

Renew my mind and eliminate any thoughts of revenge for bad things to happen to my child’s other parent.  I need your protection from my selfish thoughts.  Help me to let go and forgive as You command. Lord, I know you recognize the hypocrisy within me- convict me-challenge me-change me in the name of Jesus Christ our Lord, Amen

Do not deceive yourselves.  If any of you think you are wise by the standards of this age, you should become “fools” so that you may become wise.

1 Corinthians 3:18

Sure, you have a long laundry list of complaints about your co-parent.  Do you really think your coparent is 100% responsible for the family separation or the current hostilities?  Proverbs 28:13 says that “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves.”  For example, even when someone has betrayed you that is not the complete reason for the failed relationship.  There is always more.  Are you able to recognize your contribution to the current conflict?  How do you complicate the current conflict? Do you withhold parenting information, make unilateral decisions, block access or share negative information with your child?  Unless you can accept the reality that you are part of the problem, you will see yourself as the victim and not learn anything from the painful process.

If you cannot handle any negative feedback, you will be easily wounded.  This makes relationships very difficult to navigate.  You will likely use denial to protect ourselves.  Denial can be very effective and powerful but it does not create growth. We can become our own worst enemies. Would you prefer to be blind to reality or face your own flaws head on?  The more insecure the person, the harder it is for them to face their darker side.  If you are unable to see your part, it may be because your ego is too fragile. This is not going to sit well for your own growth psychologically nor spiritually.  God expects us to face the truth.  The truth really can set you free.

We need rescuing from ourselves because if sin remains, we will be drawn to desire.  We will think, say and do what God names as evil.  It is important that we accept this reality of our nature in order to see ourselves honestly.  When we think we are righteous, we expect others around us also to be righteous.  Self-righteousness is being more concerned for the knowledge of sin of others than of your own. This leaves us being judgmental, demanding and constantly disappointed.  When we think we are righteous, we are likely sinning with pride and deceiving ourselves.  How can we begin to take responsibility for our poor choices if we refuse to recognize how easy it is for us to sin?  The scary deception of sin is that, at the point of sinning, sin doesn’t look all that sinful.

Heavenly Father,

Help me to take the step of maturity and face my darker side and own my contribution to the problems.  Help me not to think in “all or nothing” terms. I want the courage to see with spiritually mature eyes who I really am and not deceive myself.  If I am, please reveal it to me and give me the courage to cease cooperating with deceptive schemes.  Help me to reframe negative feedback as a gift rather than an attack. Help me have the maturity to use the feedback to grow to be more like Jesus.  Amen

 ….is there no King in thee?

Micah 4:9 CEV

As a parent, you certainly do not want to shame your child when you discipline then.   If you speak to the fool in your child, the fool will stand up.  If you speak to the King in your child, the King will stand up.  Likewise, if you speak to the fool within your co-parent that is who will ultimately stand up. On the other hand, if you speak to the King in your co-parent you may be surprised to find that the king may just stand up.

How do you make this happen?  By giving your co-parent respect, giving them the benefit of the doubt, speaking with compassion rather than contempt and avoid any negative assumptions about them or their motive. You can probably list all the ways in which your co-parent may act the fool.  This is not their best side.  Instead assume that there is a king within that you must speak to in order to get them to respond.

If you met a real king, you would be humble and respectful.  You would make any requests gently and carefully. You would assume the King has no reason to harm you and may want to help.  Can you Imagine making this much of a shift in how you speak to your co-parent?

Lord,

Help me speak to my co-parent in a different manner so I can get a different result.  Help me to expect the King so I have a better chance of finding the King.  Help me swallow my pride in order to speak to the King within him especially when I do not see the King.  Amen