When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent

Proverbs 10:19 ESV

There are times when you may be tempted to respond when you know it will only make matters worse. This can happen in person, by phone or email.  Writing reactive responses allows us to go on and on in a free style that is conducive for an angry writer. Most coparents use too many words to try to explain or attack.  It is only the conflict avoider who does not.  As a result, it is important to save drafts for another day before sending them when you are distressed.

It can be very annoying receiving too many unnecessary text messages at all hours from your co-parent.  You read the text, get angry and want to explain or defend yourself.  You may want to repeat your communication protocol by reminding them not to use text unless it is an emergency.  You may find it difficult to not correct your co-parent or simply are tempted to have the last word.   You may want to counterattack and blame the other parent for being aggressive.  Whatever the reason, if you respond, you have fallen into their predictable trap.  If you respond when it is better to say nothing, you become part of the problem.  Even a calm response may feed a manipulative coparent who simply wants to engage with you at any cost.

If your coparent asks you something by text that is personal or inappropriate you could respond one time with a simple “N/A.”  Or instead of complaining about the breach in communication you can respond once with “email Sunday” your usual co-parenting communication day. If you receive an aggressive text you can choose to ignore the text message for now and respond to the problem in your weekly email or not at all.  Sometimes less really is best.

Lord, 

Help me to use self-control to avoid defending myself when my co-parent is trying to negatively engage me.  Part of me wants to respond out of pride but help me resist.  I want to use good judgement and not get hooked by the conflict. Help me control my mouth and limit my words. Amen

Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another

Galatians 5:26

The Apostle Paul in Galatians, warns us not to compete with others.  He also warns about being conceited and causing envy which is often the result of competition.   Social media and the selfie movement have encouraged people consciously or unconsciously to do just that-make others feel less worthy. The social messages are “Look at what I have?”

When we envy others, we are acting as if we deserve what the other person has been given, when in truth we do not deserve anything at all.  God has the right and the power to give blessings as He sees fit. We receive blessings by the grace of God.  When we envy, we are being self-focused just as the conceited person is being self-focused or self-righteous. Envy denies grace.  It is a sin of disobedience and elevates us in our hearts.

Unfortunately, competition can show itself between co-parents. As a result, parenting skills and discipline can be negatively impacted by jealousy and competition as a result of a divorce.  Both parents may spoil their child more than normal because they fear the child prefers the other parent.  The stricter parent ends up becoming even restrictive especially as their child reaches adolescence.  Children of this age are most likely to prefer the home where they have the most possessions, and/or have the least  supervision.

Rather than get caught in this competitive fight, focus on being the best parent you can.  Look to God to find your self-esteem.  Getting distracted by comparing yourself to the other parent will create unnecessary stress and interrupt your parenting skills.  Competition will tempt you to try to control the outcome.  Focus on “staying in your own lane,” and be the best parent you can.  Stop peering over the fence to see what your co-parent is doing.

Lord,

You know I often seek the blessings bestowed on others.  I want fairness, my right to be right, proof of their wrongdoing to make them see things from my vantage point.  At this point I recognize that these temptations are not healthy for me or my faith. None of what I want will fill the empty place inside.  Only You can fill me completely and help me feel whole.  I will be obedient and let You handle everything including blessing others.  Help me rise above the circumstances and determine to hold on to the greater good in the grand scheme of things by honoring You. Remind me to mind my own business and to eliminate areas of my life that encourage me to compare myself such as social media or listening to mutual friends. Help me not dwell on better or worse comparisons; they are a no-win proposition.  Keep my focus on being the best parent rather than compete for some imaginary reward. Remind me that I am loved just as I am.  Amen

What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them. 

Matthew 15:11

The Bible warns about the danger of allowing ourselves to say whatever crosses our minds. Scripture states that the mouth can speak light and darkness.  We show ourselves by what spills from our mouth.

Words have meaning.  They bring great joy and admonishment, but they also leave deep wounds where scars cannot be seen or easily healed.   One small word can make a tremendous difference. We must become intentional when selecting our words.  The power of the human tongue makes a child believe they are loved.  Words can make your child feel responsible for your co-parent conflict. One negative or critical comment can dash a child’s sense of self and erase a dozen attempts at praise.  Likewise, what you say to your co-parent sets the stage for the type of relationship you will have. Do you speak with kindness, with respect, encouragement and comment on what they may be doing well?  Or do you use your opportunity to simply criticize and destroy?  If you blame and criticize, you bring death to your relationship which harms you and your child.

When we are upset, there is much we want to say such as, “This is all your fault!  What’s wrong with you? You’re such a jerk!” However, we cannot un-ring the bell after allowing toxic comments to flow feely from our mouths. When you are afraid or angry, your thoughts will fuel your emotions and unless you have a filter over your mouth-the words may come pouring out.  Judgements made and damage done.  No apology will fix the damage of your words.  No one was meant to hear some of your destructive thoughts.  It is bad enough to think these negative thoughts.  Learning to filter is essential for managing your emotions.

Therefore, it is important to be intentional with our words.  For example, James and Marilyn have been under additional stress as both parents have filed motions to be heard in court. They are both angry and harbor resentment and bitterness towards each other.  Marilyn is driving with her two boys to school when she notices a hostile text from James.  She pulls the car over to read the message and catch her breath.  James is accusing her of not caring about the boy’s educational needs.  Her pulse quickens, and both adrenalin and cortisol begin coursing through her body. Marilyn is so agitated that she calls James immediately, even though the boys are running late for school. Sadly the boys are stuck listening  to their mother’s accusatory tone. They can even hear their dad yelling back through mom’s phone. The younger son begins to cry. Marilyn fires back at James, “Look what you have done!  You are upsetting our boys!”  That night while tucking the boys into bed, they tell her how bad it feels when she yells at their dad. She replies, “Well, I’m sorry about that but if your dad wasn’t being a jerk, I would not have yelled at him!”

Marilyn’s immature response takes no responsibility for what she has allowed out of her mouth. Her response to the boys makes matters worse. She is unconscious of her mouth rather than intentional with her word selection. She seems to have no idea of the damage her words have done.  She tucks them in, kisses them and tells them she loves them.

Lord,

This could easily be me.  Help me be intentional with my words and my reactions so I can curb the damage I do when I am tired, agitated or careless. Help me to be a better parent and demonstrate better self-control.    I know this means I must sacrifice my need to be right and give up my negative interactions.  It will mean I must forgive and begin to see my co-parent as my child does and more importantly as You do.  Help me to pick life over death Lord, Amen

 The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?

Psalm 118:6

When you are afraid, your thoughts will determine how anxious you become and how long you take to calm down.  Your thoughts will either fuel negative emotions like fear and anger or they will soothe you.    As, Horace, the early philosopher said, “Anger and fear are momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.”

One way you can reduce your emotional response is to recognize the power of your thoughts behind these feelings. In doing so you can learn to replace your distressful thoughts with self-soothing ones. For example, a thought such as, “He will never stop texting me harassing messages. I think he is setting me up to take me back to court” increases your emotional distress. A replacement thought might be “My coparent is certainly determined to speak with me about something. I will contact him after work.”  Or you may think to yourself, “He gets really anxious sometimes but does not know how to handle the stress. It will pass.”  “I don’t benefit from these anxious thoughts. I will write out my fear and place it in my prayer box for now because I cannot do anything about it.” Ultimately the most self-soothing thought is to remember Psalm 118:6; the Lord is with me. God will never leave me.”

Dear Lord,

Remind me that You, Lord, are always with me. I want to defuse the conflict in a manner that would please You.  Help me learn to soothe myself when I am under stress. I don’t want to numb my feelings nor let my anger seep out onto others.  Help me identify my fear and anger, learn from them, and not be overpowered or consumed by them.  Remind me to come to You for help so I can remain calm and able to think rather than react.  In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen

 ….is there no King in thee?

Micah 4:9 CEV

As a parent, you certainly do not want to shame your child when you discipline then.   If you speak to the fool in your child, the fool will stand up.  If you speak to the King in your child, the King will stand up.  Likewise, if you speak to the fool within your co-parent that is who will ultimately stand up. On the other hand, if you speak to the King in your co-parent you may be surprised to find that the king may just stand up.

How do you make this happen?  By giving your co-parent respect, giving them the benefit of the doubt, speaking with compassion rather than contempt and avoid any negative assumptions about them or their motive. You can probably list all the ways in which your co-parent may act the fool.  This is not their best side.  Instead assume that there is a king within that you must speak to in order to get them to respond.

If you met a real king, you would be humble and respectful.  You would make any requests gently and carefully. You would assume the King has no reason to harm you and may want to help.  Can you Imagine making this much of a shift in how you speak to your co-parent?

Lord,

Help me speak to my co-parent in a different manner so I can get a different result.  Help me to expect the King so I have a better chance of finding the King.  Help me swallow my pride in order to speak to the King within him especially when I do not see the King.  Amen