Are you interested in becoming one of God's peacemakers?

God blesses those people who make peace.  They will be called his children.

Matthew 5:9

God loves the peacemakers. We are called to love one and other and not create conflict. In an attempt to make peace, imagine building a bridge to get to your coparent’s side.  First step is you must be committed to the actual task. Do you really want to build a bridge?  You must sincerely be motivated to reach the other side.  Building a bridge with your co-parent begins with a commitment and then lots of hard work.  For example, you might swallow your pride and ask forgiveness for your part of the conflict, or you could ask them to “bury the hatchet” and move forward. You could take the first step and apologize for harming them without expecting an apology in return.  This may or may not work.  You could demonstrate random acts of kindness towards your co-parent, yet this may arouse suspicion.  You could compliment their efforts at attempting to bridge the way. Taking the initiative may surprise your co-parent especially if their actions harmed you.

Another way to change the climate of your relationship is to find common ground regarding your child.  Allow yourself to see all the ways in which you and your coparent are similar especially when it comes to caring about your child.  Notice what is right about your coparent rather than what is wrong. Be a love finder rather than a fault finder.  Notice where you agree and comment on it.  You can also acknowledge and show appreciation for one of their skills. For example, you may acknowledge that your co-parent’s math skills should come in handy with your child’s struggle in math.

Another way to make peace might be to let your coparent be right and even say so.  This may feel difficult but all you must do is find some small part of their dispute that you could agree upon.  For example, “You may be right about us doing too much for our son.  I agree we need to encourage his independence.   I hear what you are suggesting, and I wonder if you have any alternate ideas to address this so we may find a plan we both agree upon.  What do you think?”

Search for the grain of truth in your coparent’s opinion rather than focus on the parts you disagree with. Almost every opinion has some merit especially if we are open to look for it rather than find fault.

Almighty Father,

Help me swallow my pride to allow me to acknowledge positive qualities about my co-parent as a way to start building a bridge of peace between us.  I need your help to recognize where my co-parent has a good point so that I can build something upon it.  I cannot achieve this without You.  In Jesus’ name I pray.  Amen

 

Is being non-reactive helpful or a sign of passivity?

 

But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right check,

turn to them the other cheek also.

Matthew 5:39 NIV

 

Jesus teaches about diffusing conflict by being non-reactive rather than letting conflict escalate.  He commands we stop the cycle by a willingness to suffer wrong. This does not mean we should allow physical or emotional abuse but do what is necessary to stop the conflict rather than retaliate. Jesus states, “Do not resist evil.” He wants us to avoid starting conflict even if the other person is wrong.   We all know how difficult this concept is. Detaching and letting go will help you become non-reactive. For example:

Jeff is always giving his coparent, Renee directions about how to help their son by sending her ongoing text messages such as, “You have to make sure he reads the chapters and answers all the questions.  Then you should make him a quiz to take……!” …….. “Our son has a runny nose so you need to make sure he gets plenty of water and takes his allergy medicine” ….” Next Saturday you need to take him to buy his soccer equipment.”

You may find these directions either helpful or controlling. Most will experience unsolicited advice as critical. It is typically not helpful and actually fuels conflict.  Renee feels insulted, disrespected and controlled by Jeff’s directions.  She reacts in a variety of ways.  She has tried ignoring Jeff (while being resentful) and she has lost her temper and told him to butt out!  Jeff does not understand why Renee does not accept his help.  Renee needs to become nonreactive so Jeff will not get under her skin.

As Renee detaches, she finally accepts that she has no control over Jeff, or his behaviors and it is time for her to emotionally detach from him so she can stop reacting. She sets clear limits with Jeff about not having any of these interactions in front of their son.  She also informs Jeff that she will not accept text messages from him unless their son is with him as it may be an emergency. Renee spends time in prayer asking God to be in charge and to release her from her prideful belief that she can change Jeff.  Renee learns how to let Jeff be Jeff without reacting or resenting.  She lets his comments wash over him instead of irritate her. She could respond to his request with a simple “thanks.” Over time, Renee begins to experience the peace of God as she relinquishes control of her co-parenting relationship to God.

Dear God,

I have been letting my co-parent get to me and it is exhausting.  I am ready to learn how to become non-reactive rather than fight against my co-parent.  Please forgive my arrogance and my pride in not trusting You.  I choose to let go and surrender my co-parent, our interactions and our relationship to You.  Amen

When was the last time your mouth got you into trouble?

 When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent

Proverbs 10:19 ESV

There are times when you may be tempted to respond when you know it will only make matters worse. This can happen in person, by phone or email.  Writing reactive responses allows us to go on and on in a free style that is conducive for an angry writer. Most coparents use too many words to try to explain or attack.  It is only the conflict avoider who does not.  As a result, it is important to save drafts for another day before sending them when you are distressed.

It can be very annoying receiving too many unnecessary text messages at all hours from your co-parent.  You read the text, get angry and want to explain or defend yourself.  You may want to repeat your communication protocol by reminding them not to use text unless it is an emergency.  You may find it difficult to not correct your co-parent or simply are tempted to have the last word.   You may want to counterattack and blame the other parent for being aggressive.  Whatever the reason, if you respond, you have fallen into their predictable trap.  If you respond when it is better to say nothing, you become part of the problem.  Even a calm response may feed a manipulative coparent who simply wants to engage with you at any cost.

If your coparent asks you something by text that is personal or inappropriate you could respond one time with a simple “N/A.”  Or instead of complaining about the breach in communication you can respond once with “email Sunday” your usual co-parenting communication day. If you receive an aggressive text you can choose to ignore the text message for now and respond to the problem in your weekly email or not at all.  Sometimes less really is best.

Lord, 

Help me to use self-control to avoid defending myself when my co-parent is trying to negatively engage me.  Part of me wants to respond out of pride but help me resist.  I want to use good judgement and not get hooked by the conflict. Help me control my mouth and limit my words. Amen

How is coparent competition and envy dangerous?

     

Let us not become conceited, provoking one another, envying one another

Galatians 5:26

 

The Apostle Paul in Galatians, warns us not to compete with others.  He also warns about being conceited and causing envy which is often the result of competition.   Social media and the selfie movement have encouraged people consciously or unconsciously to do just that-make others feel less worthy. The social messages are “Look at what I have?”

When we envy others, we are acting as if we deserve what the other person has been given, when in truth we do not deserve anything at all.  God has the right and the power to give blessings as He sees fit. We receive blessings by the grace of God.  When we envy, we are being self-focused just as the conceited person is being self-focused or self-righteous. Envy denies grace.  It is a sin of disobedience and elevates us in our hearts.

Unfortunately, competition can show itself between co-parents. As a result, parenting skills and discipline can be negatively impacted by jealousy and competition as a result of a divorce.  Both parents may spoil their child more than normal because they fear the child prefers the other parent.  The stricter parent ends up becoming even restrictive especially as their child reaches adolescence.  Children of this age are most likely to prefer the home where they have the most possessions, and/or have the least  supervision.

Rather than get caught in this competitive fight, focus on being the best parent you can.  Look to God to find your self-esteem.  Getting distracted by comparing yourself to the other parent will create unnecessary stress and interrupt your parenting skills.  Competition will tempt you to try to control the outcome.  Focus on “staying in your own lane,” and be the best parent you can.  Stop peering over the fence to see what your co-parent is doing.

Lord,

You know I often seek the blessings bestowed on others.  I want fairness, my right to be right, proof of their wrongdoing to make them see things from my vantage point.  At this point I recognize that these temptations are not healthy for me or my faith. None of what I want will fill the empty place inside.  Only You can fill me completely and help me feel whole.  I will be obedient and let You handle everything including blessing others.  Help me rise above the circumstances and determine to hold on to the greater good in the grand scheme of things by honoring You. Remind me to mind my own business and to eliminate areas of my life that encourage me to compare myself such as social media or listening to mutual friends. Help me not dwell on better or worse comparisons; they are a no-win proposition.  Keep my focus on being the best parent rather than compete for some imaginary reward. Remind me that I am loved just as I am.  Amen

How can I transform myself?

How can I transform myself?

Some people believe change is impossible. We all know that with God, all things are possible.  With God’s help, transforming yourself is a miracle worth achieving. This blog is an outline of the seven steps found in the webinar “Transform Conflict by Transforming Yourself” found on www.cooperativeparentinginstitute.com.  

Step 1 - Reflect upon your faith.  

Get a clear picture of what it is you believe.  For example, do you believe that God has a plan for you, that He loves you? Do you believe the two most important commandments are to love one another and to forgive each other?  Do you recognize the dangers outlined in scripture when we judge or do not forgive? Do you believe we are all one in God? You will find that as you get a clear sense of what you believe, that you may have the painful realization that your behaviors are not inline with your faith.  You may not be living a life of integrity.  

Step 2 - Now, shift focus from God and your faith, to your child.

Do you recognize how easy it is to put your child into a loyalty bind?  Do you understand how painful this is to your child? Do you understand that your child’s self esteem depends upon a belief that both parents are good?  Do you recognize how you are harming your child?

Step 3 - Make a Choice.

If you fully understand the problem, it will require you to make a major decision. Does your faith matter more than your anger and bitterness? Does your child’s self-esteem matter more than your need to speak poorly about their other parent? To be congruent, you can’t have it both ways!  Do you love God or do you hate your coparent?  Do you want to shield your child or bad mouth your coparent?  It is essential that you make an active forced choice.

Assuming, you agree in theory and are trying to make changes then you can proceed to the next step.

Step 4- Accept what is.  

If you thought a forced choice was hard, this one is up there with it.  Radical acceptance means that you have made a decision to accept what is-as it is not how you want it.  This means giving up the myth of fairness.

As part of acceptance, we must accept our human nature with its duality. We must become aware of our ego or it will control us.   This will allow you to mature spiritually.  Neither you nor your coparent are good or bad.  You are both. Until you accept this you will be stuck in the cycle of blame and bitterness. 

Another piece of spiritual maturity is the courage to recognize that what bothers you about your coparent is likely also within you. That is difficult to accept but your discomfort in this will indicate the truth behind the idea.

Furthermore, you must accept the notion that your thoughts and beliefs are the basis of your emotions and reactions.  Beliefs are so powerful that sometimes reality has no room to be considered.  Beliefs create assumptions and beliefs are responsible for our emotions.

This concept allows you to let go of the immature perspective that your coparent is responsible for everything that is wrong. It will also help you to recognize that a thought is not necessarily a truth. The last piece of acceptance is to acknowledge that the way in which we handle conflict actually becomes our “contribution” to the conflict. More on this concept in the webinar. 

Step 5- Eliminate destructive behaviors.

You will need to give up old behaviors to make room for new ones. Examples include: 

    • Give up playing the victim and replace with gratitude.

    • Give up envy and competition

    • Let go of blame/judgment

    • Recognize the myth of fairness

    • Eliminate pride and need to be right

    • Eliminate bitterness and resentment

    • Let go of score keeping

    • Eliminate gossip about your coparent

    • Reduce micromanaging your coparent

    • Reframe your negative thoughts about your coparent. 

    • Address your expectations for your coparent. 

    • Stop reacting 

Step 6 - Transform yourself by learning new behaviors

For example:  

    • Take responsibility for your part of the conflict

    • Be Intentional with your coparent

    • Become a better listener

    • Apologize when appropriate

    • Identify your anger triggers

    • Observe rather than judge

    • Be a generous giver

    • Make requests not demands

    • Live in gratitude

    • Develop qualities of the fruit of the spirit

    • Practice random acts of kindness

    • Speak to the “king”

    • Focus on finding common ground, not differences

    • Forgive your coparent

Step 7 - Take personal custody of yourself. 

Self care is essential to your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health and wellbeing.

    • Under stress it is important to learn to self-soothe

    • Learn the vital skill of detachment

    • Set boundaries as needed

    • Know when and how to withdraw

    • Forgive yourself

    • Trust God and pray daily for your transformation

To learn more visit https://www.cooperativeparentinginstitute.com/ for the webinar: “Transform Conflict by Transforming Yourself”  Scheduled to be available November 1st, 2024.