Do you recognize your true self or are you in denial?

 

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Roman 3:23 ESV

Drama may occur in your life, especially around you and your co-parent.  Yet the most powerful warfare occurs within us.  The truth is we are all made up of a duality of darkness and light.  A primal split occurs in us where our authentic nature is lost by the creation of a fabricated self or ego.   This split is responsible for most of our emotional pain. We hide our dark sides from ourselves and from others.  As a result, we often project onto others our negative qualities and judge their behaviors.  Doing so helps our ego feel safe.  If we want to grow as Christians, we must become aware of our disowned shadow and repent.

Awareness and our egos are therefore, incompatible. The underlying emotion that governs all the activity of our ego is fear.  You may fear your child prefers the other parent, or that you will not be able to provide financially as the other parent.  You may fear being rejected by your former friends and in-laws or fear you will be replaced or left behind.  To become free of your ego requires the courage to become aware of it and take action. The unconscious drive behind your ego is to strengthen and reinforce the image of who you think you are.  The ego’s struggle feels like a life and death conflict if you are unaware.  When you become aware you can finally see both sides of yourself with your strengths and weakness. A healthy mind can tolerate ambivalence and juggle both good and bad in each other simultaneously.

It is essential that we have the courage to embrace the truth that we are all both good and bad, light and dark, strong and weak, thoughtful and cruel, giving and selfish.  Spiritual liberation occurs when we move from the darkness to the light.  Darkness brings blame, shame, judgment, pride and unforgiveness while God’s light brings us peace and acceptance.

Lord,

Help me accept and understand how my ego is behind my suffering and my reactions to my co-parent.  When I want to defend or deny remind me that I am just struggling to protect myself by disowning a part of me. Help me to repent and to be strong enough to self -examine and become more aware of my true self. Remind me that You see all of me and still love me.  Amen

 

If God accepts all of us how can I reject my coparent?

How is knowing your anger triggers helpful to coparenting conflict?

Don’t get quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.  Ecclesiastes 7:9

Knowing your anger triggers will help you prepare for a better outcome. You will be able to anticipate your coparent’s topic and equally as important, your own predictable response.  Knowing your triggers is like having a traffic app on your phone that will notify you of the pot holes in the road just up ahead.

Since your emotions are the result of your thoughts about what happens, it is important to come to recognize the thoughts that are fueling your anger.  Typically, the thoughts that cause us distress have a theme to them that will help you modify your thinking.  As a result of understanding these patterns you will feel a greater sense of control over your emotions.  Some examples of themes include:

  • Being disrespected: Not being consulted.  Not being listed on the school paperwork
  • Being undermined as a parent: Telling the children things to counter you.
  • Being controlled or micromanaged: Telling you what to do.
  • Being criticized: Blaming and telling you what you are doing wrong.
  • About finances: Expecting you to spend more money than you have.
  • About being taken for granted: Not showing an appreciation for what you do.
  • About being left behind by a new relationship: Pushing to embrace their new partner
  • Attempts to alienate: Telling your child negative things about you.
  • About jealousy over the children: Spoiling the children to buy their love.
  • About following the court order: Not honoring sections of the parenting plan.
  • About a new significant other: Allowing the new person to discipline your child
  • About parental expectations: Making negative assumptions about you.
  • About neglecting your child

It is important to recognize the difference in being treated with disrespect and “feeling disrespected.” The person who is easily wounded will experience far more triggers than were intended. Keep an open mind to recognize how you feel may not be the intent.  If so, you may be personalizing too much.

The most important part of knowing your triggers is to then decipher exactly what your thoughts are regarding these themes and then determine if your beliefs are true. When you can understand how negative and powerful your thoughts are, you can attempt to modify your thoughts after the fact to prepare you for the next time they occur.  It is just a matter of time and this time you can respond differently! So, discover what is it that gets under your skin and gets you baited to react.  Stop getting angry and being so predictable!

Lord,

I am tired of reacting with anger and irritation. Help me recognize my triggers so I can be better prepared to not react.  I know it is possible, with Your help, to change my anger response by changing my thoughts. Help me replace my anger with a renewed heart and forgive me for allowing my anger to control me.  When I feel angry, help me to

  1. Identify the feeling
  2. Lift these feelings up to You
  3. Commit to expressing them in a constructive manner and then
  4. Release these negative feelings and let them go.

With Your help I will be able to move mountains!  In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen

Time Travel to increase your compassion and empathy

time travel, compassion

He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, both alike are an abomination to the Lord.  Proverbs 17:15

In order to increase compassion and defuse negative feelings of irritation and anger towards your co-parent, close your eyes and image traveling back in time through your mind.  Visualize your co-parent as a tiny infant, just a few months old -smiling up at you.  Notice their toothless grin, their chubby thighs and their dimpled little fingers. Take in their soft, sweet, flawless skin and scent.  Now gently pick them up in your mind and experience their complete innocence.   This is someone’s precious child, God’s precious child.  Recognize that this vulnerable part of your co-parent still exists within, hiding under all the negative life lessons and challenges they have experienced.

Now take a deep breath and move forward in time-past the present into the distant future. Travel to a time when your co-parent is on their death bed.  See their frail body, worn out eyes and twisted hands. You and your child are present to say goodbye.  What would you want to say as part of the goodbye if you choose to demonstrate compassion?  Would any of the conflict really matter?

Lord,

Guide me to recognize the vulnerable parts of my co-parent.  Remind me of their life struggles and their personal pain so that I can have more compassion for them.  When they are acting at their worst help me to use my mind to visit either of these times to detach and soften my heart.  Amen

 

 

Tips for Defusing relationship conflict

A hot-tempered man causes arguments but a patient man calms a quarrel

Proverbs 15:18

If you truly desire to find peace with your coparent you will need to give up blame and unforgiveness. However, is hard to know what to replace our destructive responses with when attempting to defuse conflict. There is much written on this, but a few tips may get you started on the right path for your situation:

  • Pray for God’s help before, during and after any potential conflict
  • Slow your responses down to avoid impulsive reactions
  • Avoid starting sentences with a “you” statement
  • Make sure your response is gentle versus aggressive
  • Breathe, don’t interrupt-just listen without thinking or speaking
  • If you must say something, ask for more information “Tell me more about this”
  • Come into any encounter with a goal of being kind even in the face of aggression
  • Resist correcting your co-parent on minor details
  • Pick your battle-to win the war for your child might mean losing a battle here and there
  • If you show anger or use a sharp tongue- quickly apologize and restate it in a constructive manner
  • Replace the word “but” with “and.”
  • Make your requests specific and behavioral when possible
  • Don’t take the bait when they blame, attack or distract you- Disengage from the mind game
  • Act respectful
  • Tell them they are right about something
  • Whenever possible find something to thank them for, even if it is simply listening
  • When necessary, set limits to protect yourself or child
  • If your limits are not respected calmly remove yourself
  • Focus on the problem not the person
  • Don’t reject any of your co-parent’s ideas just thank them for their ideas and present other options
  • Make your focus about your child rather than about your ego
  • Stay focused on the present not the past
  • Let them have the last word

Lord, I know you are always with me and for me. I know you also love my co-parent and our child. Help us to have a positive outcome or at least improved communication. Help me stand back and view the conflict from my co-parent’s perspective and Your perspective. Hold me close. Amen

How can I transform myself?

How can I transform myself?

Some people believe change is impossible. We all know that with God, all things are possible.  With God’s help, transforming yourself is a miracle worth achieving. This blog is an outline of the seven steps found in the webinar “Transform Conflict by Transforming Yourself” found on www.cooperativeparentinginstitute.com.  

Step 1 - Reflect upon your faith.  

Get a clear picture of what it is you believe.  For example, do you believe that God has a plan for you, that He loves you? Do you believe the two most important commandments are to love one another and to forgive each other?  Do you recognize the dangers outlined in scripture when we judge or do not forgive? Do you believe we are all one in God? You will find that as you get a clear sense of what you believe, that you may have the painful realization that your behaviors are not inline with your faith.  You may not be living a life of integrity.  

Step 2 - Now, shift focus from God and your faith, to your child.

Do you recognize how easy it is to put your child into a loyalty bind?  Do you understand how painful this is to your child? Do you understand that your child’s self esteem depends upon a belief that both parents are good?  Do you recognize how you are harming your child?

Step 3 - Make a Choice.

If you fully understand the problem, it will require you to make a major decision. Does your faith matter more than your anger and bitterness? Does your child’s self-esteem matter more than your need to speak poorly about their other parent? To be congruent, you can’t have it both ways!  Do you love God or do you hate your coparent?  Do you want to shield your child or bad mouth your coparent?  It is essential that you make an active forced choice.

Assuming, you agree in theory and are trying to make changes then you can proceed to the next step.

Step 4- Accept what is.  

If you thought a forced choice was hard, this one is up there with it.  Radical acceptance means that you have made a decision to accept what is-as it is not how you want it.  This means giving up the myth of fairness.

As part of acceptance, we must accept our human nature with its duality. We must become aware of our ego or it will control us.   This will allow you to mature spiritually.  Neither you nor your coparent are good or bad.  You are both. Until you accept this you will be stuck in the cycle of blame and bitterness. 

Another piece of spiritual maturity is the courage to recognize that what bothers you about your coparent is likely also within you. That is difficult to accept but your discomfort in this will indicate the truth behind the idea.

Furthermore, you must accept the notion that your thoughts and beliefs are the basis of your emotions and reactions.  Beliefs are so powerful that sometimes reality has no room to be considered.  Beliefs create assumptions and beliefs are responsible for our emotions.

This concept allows you to let go of the immature perspective that your coparent is responsible for everything that is wrong. It will also help you to recognize that a thought is not necessarily a truth. The last piece of acceptance is to acknowledge that the way in which we handle conflict actually becomes our “contribution” to the conflict. More on this concept in the webinar. 

Step 5- Eliminate destructive behaviors.

You will need to give up old behaviors to make room for new ones. Examples include: 

    • Give up playing the victim and replace with gratitude.

    • Give up envy and competition

    • Let go of blame/judgment

    • Recognize the myth of fairness

    • Eliminate pride and need to be right

    • Eliminate bitterness and resentment

    • Let go of score keeping

    • Eliminate gossip about your coparent

    • Reduce micromanaging your coparent

    • Reframe your negative thoughts about your coparent. 

    • Address your expectations for your coparent. 

    • Stop reacting 

Step 6 - Transform yourself by learning new behaviors

For example:  

    • Take responsibility for your part of the conflict

    • Be Intentional with your coparent

    • Become a better listener

    • Apologize when appropriate

    • Identify your anger triggers

    • Observe rather than judge

    • Be a generous giver

    • Make requests not demands

    • Live in gratitude

    • Develop qualities of the fruit of the spirit

    • Practice random acts of kindness

    • Speak to the “king”

    • Focus on finding common ground, not differences

    • Forgive your coparent

Step 7 - Take personal custody of yourself. 

Self care is essential to your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health and wellbeing.

    • Under stress it is important to learn to self-soothe

    • Learn the vital skill of detachment

    • Set boundaries as needed

    • Know when and how to withdraw

    • Forgive yourself

    • Trust God and pray daily for your transformation

To learn more visit https://www.cooperativeparentinginstitute.com/ for the webinar: “Transform Conflict by Transforming Yourself”  Scheduled to be available November 1st, 2024.