There is a way that appears to be right, but in the end it leads to death.

Proverbs 14:12

You must remain alert or else when your co-parent dangles a hook, you are likely to take the bait and react.  This can happen so quickly.  When your co-parent throws out the bait, observe that it is simply desperation or manipulation.  They know how to get under your skin.  Yet, there are no excuses. We are totally responsible for the decision to react and swallow the hook or not.  Unfortunately, our behaviors become predictable and self-defeating.  How we handle our conflict becomes our own contribution to conflict.  So, if you take the bait then you are actively fueling the co-parenting conflict.

It is our instinct, when pushed, to push back. But martial arts teach us that we must ignore this impulse. We can’t push back; we need to pull back until our opponent loses their own balance. This is called the art of the Side Door strategy.  Throw you co-parent off with a different response-a productive one, maybe even a kindness.

Lord,

Help me with self-control so I can recognize the bait before I respond. Prepare my mind for action. No matter what is said or done, help me keep a positive attitude and not respond.  Help me detach in these moments.  Empower me with your Spirit. Amen

God blesses those people who make peace.  They will be called his children.

Matthew 5:9

God loves the peacemakers. We are called to love one and other and not create conflict. In an attempt to make peace, imagine building a bridge to get to your coparent’s side.  First step is you must be committed to the actual task. Do you really want to build a bridge?  You must sincerely be motivated to reach the other side.  Building a bridge with your co-parent begins with a commitment and then lots of hard work.  For example, you might swallow your pride and ask forgiveness for your part of the conflict, or you could ask them to “bury the hatchet” and move forward. You could take the first step and apologize for harming them without expecting an apology in return.  This may or may not work.  You could demonstrate random acts of kindness towards your co-parent, yet this may arouse suspicion.  You could compliment their efforts at attempting to bridge the way. Taking the initiative may surprise your co-parent especially if their actions harmed you.

Another way to change the climate of your relationship is to find common ground regarding your child.  Allow yourself to see all the ways in which you and your coparent are similar especially when it comes to caring about your child.  Notice what is right about your coparent rather than what is wrong. Be a love finder rather than a fault finder.  Notice where you agree and comment on it.  You can also acknowledge and show appreciation for one of their skills. For example, you may acknowledge that your co-parent’s math skills should come in handy with your child’s struggle in math.

Another way to make peace might be to let your coparent be right and even say so.  This may feel difficult but all you must do is find some small part of their dispute that you could agree upon.  For example, “You may be right about us doing too much for our son.  I agree we need to encourage his independence.   I hear what you are suggesting, and I wonder if you have any alternate ideas to address this so we may find a plan we both agree upon.  What do you think?”

Search for the grain of truth in your coparent’s opinion rather than focus on the parts you disagree with. Almost every opinion has some merit especially if we are open to look for it rather than find fault.

Almighty Father,

Help me swallow my pride to allow me to acknowledge positive qualities about my co-parent as a way to start building a bridge of peace between us.  I need your help to recognize where my co-parent has a good point so that I can build something upon it.  I cannot achieve this without You.  In Jesus’ name I pray.  Amen

But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right check,

turn to them the other cheek also.

Matthew 5:39 NIV

Jesus teaches about diffusing conflict by being non-reactive rather than letting conflict escalate.  He commands we stop the cycle by a willingness to suffer wrong. This does not mean we should allow physical or emotional abuse but do what is necessary to stop the conflict rather than retaliate. Jesus states, “Do not resist evil.” He wants us to avoid starting conflict even if the other person is wrong.   We all know how difficult this concept is. Detaching and letting go will help you become non-reactive. For example:

Jeff is always giving his coparent, Renee directions about how to help their son by sending her ongoing text messages such as, “You have to make sure he reads the chapters and answers all the questions.  Then you should make him a quiz to take……!” …….. “Our son has a runny nose so you need to make sure he gets plenty of water and takes his allergy medicine” ….” Next Saturday you need to take him to buy his soccer equipment.”

You may find these directions either helpful or controlling. Most will experience unsolicited advice as critical. It is typically not helpful and actually fuels conflict.  Renee feels insulted, disrespected and controlled by Jeff’s directions.  She reacts in a variety of ways.  She has tried ignoring Jeff (while being resentful) and she has lost her temper and told him to butt out!  Jeff does not understand why Renee does not accept his help.  Renee needs to become nonreactive so Jeff will not get under her skin.

As Renee detaches, she finally accepts that she has no control over Jeff, or his behaviors and it is time for her to emotionally detach from him so she can stop reacting. She sets clear limits with Jeff about not having any of these interactions in front of their son.  She also informs Jeff that she will not accept text messages from him unless their son is with him as it may be an emergency. Renee spends time in prayer asking God to be in charge and to release her from her prideful belief that she can change Jeff.  Renee learns how to let Jeff be Jeff without reacting or resenting.  She lets his comments wash over him instead of irritate her. She could respond to his request with a simple “thanks.” Over time, Renee begins to experience the peace of God as she relinquishes control of her co-parenting relationship to God.

Dear God,

I have been letting my co-parent get to me and it is exhausting.  I am ready to learn how to become non-reactive rather than fight against my co-parent.  Please forgive my arrogance and my pride in not trusting You.  I choose to let go and surrender my co-parent, our interactions and our relationship to You.  Amen

 The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?

Psalm 118:6

When you are afraid, your thoughts will determine how anxious you become and how long you take to calm down.  Your thoughts will either fuel negative emotions like fear and anger or they will soothe you.    As, Horace, the early philosopher said, “Anger and fear are momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.”

One way you can reduce your emotional response is to recognize the power of your thoughts behind these feelings. In doing so you can learn to replace your distressful thoughts with self-soothing ones. For example, a thought such as, “He will never stop texting me harassing messages. I think he is setting me up to take me back to court” increases your emotional distress. A replacement thought might be “My coparent is certainly determined to speak with me about something. I will contact him after work.”  Or you may think to yourself, “He gets really anxious sometimes but does not know how to handle the stress. It will pass.”  “I don’t benefit from these anxious thoughts. I will write out my fear and place it in my prayer box for now because I cannot do anything about it.” Ultimately the most self-soothing thought is to remember Psalm 118:6; the Lord is with me. God will never leave me.”

Dear Lord,

Remind me that You, Lord, are always with me. I want to defuse the conflict in a manner that would please You.  Help me learn to soothe myself when I am under stress. I don’t want to numb my feelings nor let my anger seep out onto others.  Help me identify my fear and anger, learn from them, and not be overpowered or consumed by them.  Remind me to come to You for help so I can remain calm and able to think rather than react.  In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen

Capture and Disarm

Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5

Emotions are a natural and instinctive state of mind that are created by our thought’s regarding the circumstances.  Our thoughts trigger our emotions, then the emotions trigger us to action. It might appear that your co-parent triggered your response by something they said or did.  In truth their action (1) triggered your thoughts such as “She did this on purpose!  She will never be cooperative, and our child will suffer!”  (2) Then you would see how these thoughts produced your emotions such as anger, sadness and fear. Then the last step is (3) the decision you make to release the emotions. You may decide in an instant how to express and cope with these feelings.  The problem is that when we are angry it is very difficult to think in logical terms as our rational mind checks out. The good news is you have the power to change your thoughts to change your emotional reaction and your action.

By modifying your thoughts and beliefs so you will be better able to make sound decisions.  Even if the improvement in thoughts goes from “He is a control freak!” to “He can be controlling,” this can improve your response.  “My child will be harmed by this divorce!”  can be changed or reframed to “My child is resilient, and I am going to do whatever I can to help her adjust.”  The first thought will only agitate and distress you while the second one is far less negative.

Bottom line is-it is not your co-parent that triggers you (as much as you want to believe they made you angry, hurt, etc.…). It is what you think about your co-parent’s behaviors that will trigger your emotions which then triggers your decision about how to act.  Situation + Beliefs/thought + Emotion + Action. This means you can change your reactions by changing your own thoughts and beliefs about your co-parent and the things they do.

Lord,

You know how distressed I get when I take the bait from my co-parent and react.  I need Your help to stop my impulse reactions.  I want to capture the negative thoughts that are creating my distress.  Help me write them down and figure out how I can modify them-even if only a little. I want to give my co-parent the benefit of the doubt, but I am afraid it will make matters worse.  Teach me to modify my thoughts while trusting You each step of the way.  Amen