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How are feelings and actions controlled by your thoughts?

  • Last updated: January 27, 2025 8:04 pm
  • Created: October 28, 2024 9:13 pm
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Capture and Disarm

Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5

 

Emotions are a natural and instinctive state of mind that are created by our thought’s regarding the circumstances.  Our thoughts trigger our emotions, then the emotions trigger us to action. It might appear that your co-parent triggered your response by something they said or did.  In truth their action (1) triggered your thoughts such as “She did this on purpose!  She will never be cooperative, and our child will suffer!”  (2) Then you would see how these thoughts produced your emotions such as anger, sadness and fear. Then the last step is (3) the decision you make to release the emotions. You may decide in an instant how to express and cope with these feelings.  The problem is that when we are angry it is very difficult to think in logical terms as our rational mind checks out. The good news is you have the power to change your thoughts to change your emotional reaction and your action.

By modifying your thoughts and beliefs so you will be better able to make sound decisions.  Even if the improvement in thoughts goes from “He is a control freak!” to “He can be controlling,” this can improve your response.  “My child will be harmed by this divorce!”  can be changed or reframed to “My child is resilient, and I am going to do whatever I can to help her adjust.”  The first thought will only agitate and distress you while the second one is far less negative.

Bottom line is-it is not your co-parent that triggers you (as much as you want to believe they made you angry, hurt, etc.…). It is what you think about your co-parent’s behaviors that will trigger your emotions which then triggers your decision about how to act.  Situation + Beliefs/thought + Emotion + Action. This means you can change your reactions by changing your own thoughts and beliefs about your co-parent and the things they do.

Lord,

You know how distressed I get when I take the bait from my co-parent and react.  I need Your help to stop my impulse reactions.  I want to capture the negative thoughts that are creating my distress.  Help me write them down and figure out how I can modify them-even if only a little. I want to give my co-parent the benefit of the doubt, but I am afraid it will make matters worse.  Teach me to modify my thoughts while trusting You each step of the way.  Amen

Authors

Susan Boyan

Over the last few decades of working with conflicted Christian coparents, I have encouraged parents to use their love for their children to change their own destructive behaviors. Unfortunately, this worked for only a portion of the conflicted parents. Over time, I discovered that incorporating faith into treatment has been the most effective intervention for change. I recognized many years ago the need for Christian coparents to have scripture-based skills to assist them in making personal changes. As someone who is passionate about improving the lives of families affected by divorce, and as a person of faith, this project has been on my heart for a very long time. As the proverb goes, “necessity is the mother of invention.”

My background and degrees are in special education, rehabilitation counseling, community counseling and marriage and family therapy. Furthermore, I have been writing and training on divorce related topics since 1993. I have authored professional articles on high-conflict divorce and co-authored seven books for conflicted divorced parents, as well as produced a psycho-educational coparenting video. I have also done TV interviews and frequently testify as an expert in the field of high-conflict divorce, parental alienation and parenting coordination.

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