What goes into someone’s mouth does not defile them, but what comes out of their mouth, that is what defiles them. 

Matthew 15:11

The Bible warns about the danger of allowing ourselves to say whatever crosses our minds. Scripture states that the mouth can speak light and darkness.  We show ourselves by what spills from our mouth.

Words have meaning.  They bring great joy and admonishment, but they also leave deep wounds where scars cannot be seen or easily healed.   One small word can make a tremendous difference. We must become intentional when selecting our words.  The power of the human tongue makes a child believe they are loved.  Words can make your child feel responsible for your co-parent conflict. One negative or critical comment can dash a child’s sense of self and erase a dozen attempts at praise.  Likewise, what you say to your co-parent sets the stage for the type of relationship you will have. Do you speak with kindness, with respect, encouragement and comment on what they may be doing well?  Or do you use your opportunity to simply criticize and destroy?  If you blame and criticize, you bring death to your relationship which harms you and your child.

When we are upset, there is much we want to say such as, “This is all your fault!  What’s wrong with you? You’re such a jerk!” However, we cannot un-ring the bell after allowing toxic comments to flow feely from our mouths. When you are afraid or angry, your thoughts will fuel your emotions and unless you have a filter over your mouth-the words may come pouring out.  Judgements made and damage done.  No apology will fix the damage of your words.  No one was meant to hear some of your destructive thoughts.  It is bad enough to think these negative thoughts.  Learning to filter is essential for managing your emotions.

Therefore, it is important to be intentional with our words.  For example, James and Marilyn have been under additional stress as both parents have filed motions to be heard in court. They are both angry and harbor resentment and bitterness towards each other.  Marilyn is driving with her two boys to school when she notices a hostile text from James.  She pulls the car over to read the message and catch her breath.  James is accusing her of not caring about the boy’s educational needs.  Her pulse quickens, and both adrenalin and cortisol begin coursing through her body. Marilyn is so agitated that she calls James immediately, even though the boys are running late for school. Sadly the boys are stuck listening  to their mother’s accusatory tone. They can even hear their dad yelling back through mom’s phone. The younger son begins to cry. Marilyn fires back at James, “Look what you have done!  You are upsetting our boys!”  That night while tucking the boys into bed, they tell her how bad it feels when she yells at their dad. She replies, “Well, I’m sorry about that but if your dad wasn’t being a jerk, I would not have yelled at him!”

Marilyn’s immature response takes no responsibility for what she has allowed out of her mouth. Her response to the boys makes matters worse. She is unconscious of her mouth rather than intentional with her word selection. She seems to have no idea of the damage her words have done.  She tucks them in, kisses them and tells them she loves them.

Lord,

This could easily be me.  Help me be intentional with my words and my reactions so I can curb the damage I do when I am tired, agitated or careless. Help me to be a better parent and demonstrate better self-control.    I know this means I must sacrifice my need to be right and give up my negative interactions.  It will mean I must forgive and begin to see my co-parent as my child does and more importantly as You do.  Help me to pick life over death Lord, Amen

In this world you will have trouble.  But take heart!  I have overcome the world.

John 16:33 ESV

Acceptance is a recovery concept full of potential.  It helps you work through anger, sadness, and shame.  Acceptance should be your goal for a truly healthy life.  So, if you want to find peace with your curly/unruly hair, then for heaven’s sake, stop straightening it every day and find a new hair cut that will allow you to accept and appreciate your God given curls. We completely stress ourselves out when we resist what life brings us.  We create resistance when we are either pushing life away or pulling it toward us.  We all carry around with us thoughts that reflect our own set of preconceived notions of how things should be done in each situation. Unrealistic expectations will make everything far more complicated.

According to Richard Carlson, Don’t Sweat the Small Stuff, “For anything to change or anyone to change, we must first accept ourselves, others and the circumstance exactly as they are.”   Acceptance is the magic that makes change possible. According to Michael A. Singer from, The Untethered Soul (2007)  “The path of acceptance is the path of surrender.  It is about not resisting energies as they pass through you.  Instead, you can just relax and release your heart.  Allow your mind to remain open and expansive enough to encompass reality.”

Physical, emotional and spiritual pain is an intrinsic part of the human experience. The Apostle Paul was essential to God’s plan for the church. Yet as vital as Paul was, he suffered over and over.  He was imprisoned several times, whipped and flogged thirty-nine times, beaten three times with a rod, shipwrecked three times, lost at sea for several days, gone without food or water and was eventually was crucified.  If this can happen to one of Jesus’ right hand men, it can happen to anyone.  Paul was not a victim, and neither are you.

Although your suffering may not compare to Paul’s it has been painful nonetheless. Maybe your former partner lied, cheated or mislead you.  They may have abused you verbally, physically or both.  They may have betrayed you or controlled you.  They may have attempted to take custody away from you making false allegations about you in order to do so. Perhaps they have taken you to court multiple times costing you hard earned money that should be going to your child.

Worse yet, maybe they are filling your child’s mind with lies and attempting to alienate you.  They may have slandered you or shamed you publicly costing you some friends.  Your co-parent may have interrupted you at your place of employment that you lost your job. It could be they had you falsely jailed for several days. Perhaps they are taking expensive vacations with their new spouse but cannot afford to help you with your child’s expenses.  The list can go on and on. Some of these examples may be part of your current struggle.

Those who have given birth recognize that if you tense up in labor and resist the contractions you will make them far more painful. We sometimes think that if we resist reality, we can change the situation or make it go away. It may seem that accepting painful situations is a passive strategy or giving in. That’s not it. It’s allowing reality to be as it is.   People often say, “I can’t stand this,” “This isn’t fair,” “This can’t be true,” and “It shouldn’t be this way.” It’s almost as if we think refusing to accept the truth will keep it from being true, or that accepting means agreeing. Accepting doesn’t mean agreeing.

It’s exhausting to fight reality, and it doesn’t work. When we are in the stage of shock, denial is helpful because the pain is too great.  However, holding onto denial will only delay and postpone your own recovery.  Face the facts, otherwise you will only increase your suffering.  

The point is, this is the person you must co-parent with.  Stop fighting this truth and stop being so surprised by their continued efforts. Admit the fact that you will have to find a way to minimize the damage while accepting your co-parent’s objectionable actions.  Accept what you cannot change about your situation.

Lord God,

Help me accept reality for what it is and give up my resistance and unrealistic expectations.

You know how tired I am fighting against my co-parent.  I find myself wishing I had someone else’s co-parent or fantasying that I can change them into a more acceptable co-parent.  I find myself wanting to force them to become a better parent or a better person.  None of this is my business Lord and I know I need to leave this to You.  Help me let go of trying and just accept the situation, manage the situation the best I can and find ways to make peace despite it.  Amen

Let all you do, be done in love.  

1 Corinthians 16:14 ESV

The story of the good Samaritan illustrates that sometimes it is the most unlikely person who steps up and does the right thing.  Those who were first to encounter the victim on the road had great status, acted righteous and did nothing. Yet the Samaritan, who was typically looked down upon by the Jews, was the man who took the beaten Jew and cared for him.  He tended to his wounds, found him shelter and provided for continued medical care.  He also left money to cover the man’s expenses.

What would this type of scenario look like today if your co-parent was harmed and you had an opportunity to step up and do the right thing.  If you saw your co-parent on the side of the road after a car accident, what would you do?  Would you stop?  Would you get them to the hospital?  Most likely you would at least call 911 to get them emergency care but would you follow them to the hospital, sit by their bed and hold their hand?  Would you help cover their medical expenses?

Lord,

Help me to be like the good Samaritan and have an open, compassionate, and generous heart.  Show me the ways in which I can step up, be a joyful giver, and be who You want me to be.  Give me the courage to push any pride or ego out of the way so that I can be your obedient child.  In Jesus’ name, Amen

 The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.  What can mere mortals do to me?

Psalm 118:6

When you are afraid, your thoughts will determine how anxious you become and how long you take to calm down.  Your thoughts will either fuel negative emotions like fear and anger or they will soothe you.    As, Horace, the early philosopher said, “Anger and fear are momentary madness, so control your passion or it will control you.”

One way you can reduce your emotional response is to recognize the power of your thoughts behind these feelings. In doing so you can learn to replace your distressful thoughts with self-soothing ones. For example, a thought such as, “He will never stop texting me harassing messages. I think he is setting me up to take me back to court” increases your emotional distress. A replacement thought might be “My coparent is certainly determined to speak with me about something. I will contact him after work.”  Or you may think to yourself, “He gets really anxious sometimes but does not know how to handle the stress. It will pass.”  “I don’t benefit from these anxious thoughts. I will write out my fear and place it in my prayer box for now because I cannot do anything about it.” Ultimately the most self-soothing thought is to remember Psalm 118:6; the Lord is with me. God will never leave me.”

Dear Lord,

Remind me that You, Lord, are always with me. I want to defuse the conflict in a manner that would please You.  Help me learn to soothe myself when I am under stress. I don’t want to numb my feelings nor let my anger seep out onto others.  Help me identify my fear and anger, learn from them, and not be overpowered or consumed by them.  Remind me to come to You for help so I can remain calm and able to think rather than react.  In Jesus’ name I pray. Amen

Capture and Disarm

Take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ.

2 Corinthians 10:5

Emotions are a natural and instinctive state of mind that are created by our thought’s regarding the circumstances.  Our thoughts trigger our emotions, then the emotions trigger us to action. It might appear that your co-parent triggered your response by something they said or did.  In truth their action (1) triggered your thoughts such as “She did this on purpose!  She will never be cooperative, and our child will suffer!”  (2) Then you would see how these thoughts produced your emotions such as anger, sadness and fear. Then the last step is (3) the decision you make to release the emotions. You may decide in an instant how to express and cope with these feelings.  The problem is that when we are angry it is very difficult to think in logical terms as our rational mind checks out. The good news is you have the power to change your thoughts to change your emotional reaction and your action.

By modifying your thoughts and beliefs so you will be better able to make sound decisions.  Even if the improvement in thoughts goes from “He is a control freak!” to “He can be controlling,” this can improve your response.  “My child will be harmed by this divorce!”  can be changed or reframed to “My child is resilient, and I am going to do whatever I can to help her adjust.”  The first thought will only agitate and distress you while the second one is far less negative.

Bottom line is-it is not your co-parent that triggers you (as much as you want to believe they made you angry, hurt, etc.…). It is what you think about your co-parent’s behaviors that will trigger your emotions which then triggers your decision about how to act.  Situation + Beliefs/thought + Emotion + Action. This means you can change your reactions by changing your own thoughts and beliefs about your co-parent and the things they do.

Lord,

You know how distressed I get when I take the bait from my co-parent and react.  I need Your help to stop my impulse reactions.  I want to capture the negative thoughts that are creating my distress.  Help me write them down and figure out how I can modify them-even if only a little. I want to give my co-parent the benefit of the doubt, but I am afraid it will make matters worse.  Teach me to modify my thoughts while trusting You each step of the way.  Amen