But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

gentleness and self-control.  Gal 5:22

It may seem next to impossible to consider demonstrating kindness towards your co-parent when you have so much animosity towards them.  Make a list of small kindnesses you could do, once in a blue moon and expect no thank you and no reciprocal kindness. Consider how any of these examples may soften your heart, keep you aligned with your faith, and even benefit you and your child.  If you feel resistant to this concept, do it anyhow.  Demonstrate kindness and it will indeed change you over time.  Here are ten ideas to get your list started:

1. Make sure your child has a card (or homemade card) for the other parent’s birthday, or other important day. (You would never send your child to a birthday party empty handed, would you? That would cause your child to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable.)
2. Mark your kitchen calendar with a smiley face to represent the days your child is with the other parent.
3. Thank your co-parent or their spouse for something and be specific
4. Tell your co-parent that you like the way they handled a parenting matter
5. Wave or say hello to your co-parent at each transfer or mutual activity. If this is already happening, try giving them a genuine compliment in front of your child
6. Show your child that you support the other parent’s decisions
7. Be generous and flexible about a request from the other parent for extra time without expecting anything in return. (Even if it seems that they are never flexible with you)
8. Text your co-parent a picture of your child doing something fun on a vacation or random event
9. Show your child you can let them love and respect their other parent even if you have strong feelings of the contrary-Keep your thoughts to yourself
10. Congratulate your co-parent when they get married, move, have a baby or secure a new job

Research indicates that those who share acts of kindness are 41% happier than those who do not. Princess Diana, commonly referred to as the People’s Princess, stated, “Carry out a random act of kindness with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.”  Paying for the customer’s coffee behind you is easy because you can assume, they are kind and grateful for your random act of kindness.  But it is much harder to show kindness to someone who has harmed you or continues to harm you. How do you show kindness when there is so much animosity between the two of you? You do it for your child, for yourself and to praise God by following His commandments.  According to Paster Jill Briscoe, “Transform the gift of love we give to others into a kindness the world seldom sees.”

Lord,

Help me demonstrate random, and not so random, acts of kindness.  I want my child to not only develop a kind heart, but I want kindness to be the way my child thinks of me as a person.  Give me the strength to accomplish the ability to put my feelings aside to show genuine kindness to my coparent. Eliminate any pride or stubbornness that would cause me to resist these simple changes for my child.  I choose to honor Your commandment and love my enemy while creating a positive legacy for my child.  Give me the strength to make these changes and demonstrate that I am stepping out in love.  Amen

Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm to the end. 

Proverbs 29:11

Letting anger control you will result in poor impulse control. Without self-control, you are at risk of making choices that harm you or others.  Learning how to manage your emotions is a skill you were supposed to learn as a child.  If you were raised by a parent figure who did not set limits or demonstrated poor impulse control, this may have interfered with the development of your own self-control.  However, in certain areas of your life, you may have adequate self-control such being able to stop drinking after a couple glasses of wine, or by keeping your driving below the speed limit.  Self-control is needed in all areas throughout each day.  However, when negatively charged feelings like anger, hurt, and shame are triggered, it may be more difficult to use self-control. To have healthy feelings and relationships, we cannot allow our emotions to overtake our thinking.

Self-control requires us to identify types of anger while resisting the impulse to do what we want in that moment, in favor of a better choice.  If your co-parent attempts to start a conflict when your child is present, you know you need to resist getting into the conflict. This is good parenting because you are demonstrating self-control and you are sacrificing your wants to protect and shield your child.

When we feel the strong desire to react, we need to calm ourselves with a deep breath, reframe our thoughts, and then act.  This is a life skill you want to teach your child, so if you are not good at resisting destructive impulses now, allow this to motivate you to practice for yourself and for your child.  In the process, it will bring you greater inner peace and help you feel more effective with your child and your co-parent. The only way to really change our default, knee-jerk response, is to become aware of our feelings and thoughts before we act.  Slow yourself down.

Lord,

You know how I can become overwhelmed with anger towards my co-parent. Forgive me for my hateful thoughts. Help me breathe in love and compassion to avoid judging. I long to focus on pleasing You rather than continuing to feel my anger. With Your help, I can slow down my responses so that I have access to my rational self and make better choices. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Don’t get quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.  Ecclesiastes 7:9

Knowing your anger triggers will help you prepare for a better outcome. You will be able to anticipate your coparent’s topic and equally as important, your own predictable response.  Knowing your triggers is like having a traffic app on your phone that will notify you of the pot holes in the road just up ahead.

Since your emotions are the result of your thoughts about what happens, it is important to come to recognize the thoughts that are fueling your anger.  Typically, the thoughts that cause us distress have a theme to them that will help you modify your thinking.  As a result of understanding these patterns you will feel a greater sense of control over your emotions.  Some examples of themes include:

• Being disrespected: Not being consulted.  Not being listed on the school paperwork
• Being undermined as a parent: Telling the children things to counter you.
• Being controlled or micromanaged: Telling you what to do.
• Being criticized: Blaming and telling you what you are doing wrong.
• About finances: Expecting you to spend more money than you have.
• About being taken for granted: Not showing an appreciation for what you do.
• About being left behind by a new relationship: Pushing to embrace their new partner
• Attempts to alienate: Telling your child negative things about you.
• About jealousy over the children: Spoiling the children to buy their love.
• About following the court order: Not honoring sections of the parenting plan.
• About a new significant other: Allowing the new person to discipline your child
• About parental expectations: Making negative assumptions about you.
• About neglecting your child

It is important to recognize the difference in being treated with disrespect and “feeling disrespected.” The person who is easily wounded will experience far more triggers than were intended. Keep an open mind to recognize how you feel may not be the intent.  If so, you may be personalizing too much.

The most important part of knowing your triggers is to then decipher exactly what your thoughts are regarding these themes and then determine if your beliefs are true. When you can understand how negative and powerful your thoughts are, you can attempt to modify your thoughts after the fact to prepare you for the next time they occur.  It is just a matter of time and this time you can respond differently! So, discover what is it that gets under your skin and gets you baited to react.  Stop getting angry and being so predictable!

Lord,

I am tired of reacting with anger and irritation. Help me recognize my triggers so I can be better prepared to not react.  I know it is possible, with Your help, to change my anger response by changing my thoughts. Help me replace my anger with a renewed heart and forgive me for allowing my anger to control me.  When I feel angry, help me to

1. Identify the feeling
2. Lift these feelings up to You
3. Commit to expressing them in a constructive manner and then
4. Release these negative feelings and let them go.

With Your help I will be able to move mountains!  In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen

If you love those who love you, what credit is that to you?

Even sinners love those who love them.   Luke 6:32

God commands us to love one another. He also commands us to forgive.  For many of us, love and forgiveness might depend upon the degree of harm, the sense of remorse and the degree of closeness.  Loving and forgiving go hand and hand.  Consider how easy it is to forgive a complete stranger in an elevator who accidentally steps back on your foot. Forgiving this stranger would not cost you anything.  If your sibling asks forgiveness for something that actually hurt you, and if you wanted a continued relationship, you would attempt to forgive the family member.  Likewise, you would do everything to forgive your best friend, and your child goes without saying- you would want to forgive them.  Strangers are easy to forgive.  Family and close friends are all forgivable especially if we value an ongoing relationship with them.

Although Jesus said to love one another, He also said loving those who love you is the easy part. The same applies to forgiveness; as it is easier to forgive the stranger or casual friend.    They apologize (maybe) you forgive, you get past it, make up and then continue forward into the future.  The real deal breaker is to forgive someone who may not apologize, someone who has hurt you very deeply that you do not want a continued relationship with.

Jesus made love and forgiveness mandatory. However, this commandment will cost you several things.  You will have to let go of your anger/hurt, any bitterness about fairness, give up your negative thoughts about your co-parent, give up slandering your co-parent, give up revenge, give up talking about the wrong you experienced, and give up all the pride that comes with a sense of righteousness.

Forgiving also means giving up the right to pay back or to keep bringing up their mistakes.  If you are honest with yourself, you may recognize that in complaining about all your misfortunes and bad treatment you have taken on the role of “victim.” You may have gotten attention from this toxic role.  You will no longer be able to play victim after you forgive.  This commandment has an extensive price tag which may explain your resistant to loving and/or forgiving.

God commands we love one another and that we forgive.  Read the fine print; it does not say which person to love or which to forgive. There are no disclaimers.  It says everyone.  It is easier to accept this when you remember we are all interconnected through God. Perhaps forgiving your co-parent should be seriously considered.

Lord,

Help me let go of anger, bitterness and all my excuses regarding forgiving my coparent. It is only by grace that I am forgiven. I see the craziness of my thinking.  I need your help to accomplish this supernatural response.  Fill me with your Holy Spirit and help me begin by eliminating my negative thoughts and all negative talk about my co-parent.  It hurts me to know that I fall short on this important commandment.  Show me how to forgive anyhow.  In Jesus name, Amen

He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, both alike are an abomination to the Lord.  Proverbs 17:15

In order to increase compassion and defuse negative feelings of irritation and anger towards your co-parent, close your eyes and image traveling back in time through your mind.  Visualize your co-parent as a tiny infant, just a few months old -smiling up at you.  Notice their toothless grin, their chubby thighs and their dimpled little fingers. Take in their soft, sweet, flawless skin and scent.  Now gently pick them up in your mind and experience their complete innocence.   This is someone’s precious child, God’s precious child.  Recognize that this vulnerable part of your co-parent still exists within, hiding under all the negative life lessons and challenges they have experienced.

Now take a deep breath and move forward in time-past the present into the distant future. Travel to a time when your co-parent is on their death bed.  See their frail body, worn out eyes and twisted hands. You and your child are present to say goodbye.  What would you want to say as part of the goodbye if you choose to demonstrate compassion?  Would any of the conflict really matter?

Lord,

Guide me to recognize the vulnerable parts of my co-parent.  Remind me of their life struggles and their personal pain so that I can have more compassion for them.  When they are acting at their worst help me to use my mind to visit either of these times to detach and soften my heart.  Amen