But they did not listen or pay attention; instead, they followed the stubborn

inclinations of their evil hearts. 

Jeremiah 7:24

No one likes to be told what to do.  As a result, it is wise to watch your word choice to avoid using demanding communication.  Notice the subtle difference in this example: “You need to get the children to their recital by 6:30 pm” versus “The children are supposed to be at the recital by 6:30 pm.”  A controlling or oppositional person will hear the very clear distinction between a demand and a request.  Another example might be “I need you to set up a bank draft right away so I can get my money on time!”  versus “An auto draft would really help with the support money. Can you arrange this?”

Another way to recognize when you are being demanding is to notice if you have made the request when you do not get the answer you want.  These are not requests.  A request means the person may say yes or no.  A demand is not optional; there is no tolerance for a “no.”  If your co-parent continues to press for what they want, do not answer them more than once. Respond with an “already answered.” One wrong word can trigger an interpretation or a negative assumption and the whole communication can end up in the toilet.  Choose your words carefully, especially when dealing with a sensitive or difficult person or subject.   As Maya Angelou stated, “People will forget what you say but they will never forget how you made them feel”

Dear Lord, 

Slow me down so that I do not communicate too quickly.  Help me to be sensitive to how my co-parent may feel about certain topics. Help me to realize that demanding things from my co-parent solves nothing. Give me guidance in making requests of my co-parents instead of demands. Give me wisdom Lord, Amen

   To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech. 

Proverbs 8:13

According to Dr. John Gottman’s theory on couple’s communication, he observed patterns of communication that stand out in couples who are at risk of divorce. The first of the three types is the critical style of interacting.  Blaming, criticizing and judging are all part of this negative interaction. It makes perfect sense that this style would also be found in divorced couples with children.   Criticizing is a way to counterattack and blame your co-parent for issues between the two of you or for your child.  If you can point at them, the focus is off from you.    It is very easy to be critical yet not effective in the least.

Counter-attack or blaming are used to try to win the battle or get the conflict to stop.  We learn how to respond to conflict when we are little and being exposed to parental conflict or when we feel criticized or bullied.  Even children learn the importance of a well-crafted comeback to use on a bully. (When it is the parent who is criticizing the child often keeps his come-back in his head. When coparents feel criticized a tit-for-tat cycle is often created.

This blame game is an attempt to judge or one-up the other person with a complaint of your own. It typically fuels the conflict as neither of you are taking turns listening. This allows you the fantasy to see yourself as better than the other person.  During the process we become an equal aggressor and end up derailing the original issue. “You never help our child with his homework!”  “Oh, yeah, well you never show up for his baseball games!”  Both parents are playing an immature game of tag-you are it!  Nothing good comes of this type of immature response and usually takes the current conflict and adds a squirt of dangerous lighter fluid to it.

How do you stop the blaming and judging? First recognize that we are all motivated best by positive reinforcement rather than negative.  Co-parents are no different. Second master the skill of stepping back and observing.  This will give you a less emotional view of what is happening. If you can describe in your head what you are observing, and do it without any judgement you will be on your way to changing your habit of judging.  The third step is to get better at identifying your negative thoughts and work to replace them with more realistic and compassionate thoughts about your co-parent.  Then identify what you are feeling when you want to criticize and learn to express yourself using an “I statement” rather than with a “you statements.”

When you observe you are like a fact finder describing what is happening in this moment, much like a reporter. This will allow you to block the judgements and replace it with observable facts. Other interventions include prayer, repentance, detaching, lowering expectations, and practicing gratitude.  Certainly, there is a co-parent somewhere in the world far worse than who you are having to deal with.  Challenge yourself to keep a record of how often you judge and criticize others, even in your thoughts! Then practice making observations instead.

Heavenly Father,

I know that I can be very critical when I am frustrated.  Help me learn to make observations rather than judgment which will only fuel the conflict.  Fill me with your Holy Spirt and renew me and cast out this prideful need to criticize. With Your help I can change this behavior, in Jesus’ name. Amen

(The Lord) causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain

on the righteous and the unrighteous.

Matthew 5:45

Radical acceptance is about accepting life on life’s own terms and not resisting what you cannot or choose not to change.  It allows you to become content in the moment by accepting things as they are. It is easier to understand the concept of radical acceptance than it is put into practice. Radical acceptance does not mean that you embrace the person who hurt you as if nothing happened. You go forward with knowledge that you didn't have before. You stand up for yourself with respect. Anger and resentment serve as messages to be more careful in the future, stand up for yourself in effective ways, strengthen your support system, and use whatever knowledge you gained to be more effective in living your life. Holding on to the anger or resentment handcuffs you to the past and keeps you reliving a painful event.

Radical acceptance does not mean you are agreeing to what happened. It means you are acknowledging that the event happened and is real. Acceptance means not fighting reality. Acceptance is the only way out of the emotional hell you are experiencing.  Acknowledgement of the “what is” is not the same as judging it to be good or bad.  The point is not to judge but to simply look at reality. Observe it without judgements.  Say yes to life, just as it is.

Heavenly Father,

Please help me to embrace the life I have along with the trials.  I need to accept the truths and stop fighting them.  Help me eliminate my judgmental thinking and my high expectations. Help me get on with my life and experience radical acceptance. Grant me forgiveness along with Your divine peace. Amen

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Roman 3:23 ESV

Drama may occur in your life, especially around you and your co-parent.  Yet the most powerful warfare occurs within us.  The truth is we are all made up of a duality of darkness and light.  A primal split occurs in us where our authentic nature is lost by the creation of a fabricated self or ego.   This split is responsible for most of our emotional pain. We hide our dark sides from ourselves and from others.  As a result, we often project onto others our negative qualities and judge their behaviors.  Doing so helps our ego feel safe.  If we want to grow as Christians, we must become aware of our disowned shadow and repent.

Awareness and our egos are therefore, incompatible. The underlying emotion that governs all the activity of our ego is fear.  You may fear your child prefers the other parent, or that you will not be able to provide financially as the other parent.  You may fear being rejected by your former friends and in-laws or fear you will be replaced or left behind.  To become free of your ego requires the courage to become aware of it and take action. The unconscious drive behind your ego is to strengthen and reinforce the image of who you think you are.  The ego’s struggle feels like a life and death conflict if you are unaware.  When you become aware you can finally see both sides of yourself with your strengths and weakness. A healthy mind can tolerate ambivalence and juggle both good and bad in each other simultaneously.

It is essential that we have the courage to embrace the truth that we are all both good and bad, light and dark, strong and weak, thoughtful and cruel, giving and selfish.  Spiritual liberation occurs when we move from the darkness to the light.  Darkness brings blame, shame, judgment, pride and unforgiveness while God’s light brings us peace and acceptance.

Lord,

Help me accept and understand how my ego is behind my suffering and my reactions to my co-parent.  When I want to defend or deny remind me that I am just struggling to protect myself by disowning a part of me. Help me to repent and to be strong enough to self -examine and become more aware of my true self. Remind me that You see all of me and still love me.  Amen

If God accepts all of us how can I reject my coparent?

  Trust in God's promises

Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding.

Proverb 3:5

The Lord has been charged with the care and keeping of you just as a shepherd is charged to care for his sheep. Sheep need guidance and protection.  No matter what may happen, the shepherd is equipped to handle any problem.  The shepherd could be counted on to lead the way and provide them nourishment and rest.  He was intimately involved with a flock he knew by name.  He was concerned for the safety of each individual and willing to sacrifice everything for the sake of his sheep.  The sheep do not need to be in charge. God can do the same for us, but with an endless and divine power.

God’s word is loaded with promise and frequent reminders that we can count on Him if we trust and obey Him. As it says in Luke 1:37, “For with God, nothing will be impossible.”

Some of God’s promises include:

• God is always with you. Scripture reassures us that God is capable of handling anything you need.
• God promises to take care of all your needs. For example, in Psalm 125:1 it declares that “those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion. It cannot be shaken it remains forever”. The strength of these words reassures you that you are covered if you only embrace this truth and cling to God.
• God promises to protect and strengthen you.
• God promises to work everything together for your good and give you rest.
• God promises to forgive our sins when we repent.

Lord,

Thank you for all the ways in which You bless me and that I can count on your promises, now and forever.  Help me trust You to be in charge.  You are the same, yesterday, today and tomorrow. Help me rest in this knowledge.  In Jesus’ name I ask, Amen