How does pride interfere with the ability to make requests?

 

But they did not listen or pay attention; instead, they followed the stubborn

inclinations of their evil hearts. 

Jeremiah 7:24

 

No one likes to be told what to do.  As a result, it is wise to watch your word choice to avoid using demanding communication.  Notice the subtle difference in this example: “You need to get the children to their recital by 6:30 pm” versus “The children are supposed to be at the recital by 6:30 pm.”  A controlling or oppositional person will hear the very clear distinction between a demand and a request.  Another example might be “I need you to set up a bank draft right away so I can get my money on time!”  versus “An auto draft would really help with the support money. Can you arrange this?”

Another way to recognize when you are being demanding is to notice if you have made the request when you do not get the answer you want.  These are not requests.  A request means the person may say yes or no.  A demand is not optional; there is no tolerance for a “no.”  If your co-parent continues to press for what they want, do not answer them more than once. Respond with an “already answered.” One wrong word can trigger an interpretation or a negative assumption and the whole communication can end up in the toilet.  Choose your words carefully, especially when dealing with a sensitive or difficult person or subject.   As Maya Angelou stated, “People will forget what you say but they will never forget how you made them feel”

Dear Lord, 

Slow me down so that I do not communicate too quickly.  Help me to be sensitive to how my co-parent may feel about certain topics. Help me to realize that demanding things from my co-parent solves nothing. Give me guidance in making requests of my co-parents instead of demands. Give me wisdom Lord, Amen

 

Can learning the skill of observing counter your being judgmental?

   To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech. 

Proverbs 8:13

According to Dr. John Gottman’s theory on couple’s communication, he observed patterns of communication that stand out in couples who are at risk of divorce. The first of the three types is the critical style of interacting.  Blaming, criticizing and judging are all part of this negative interaction. It makes perfect sense that this style would also be found in divorced couples with children.   Criticizing is a way to counterattack and blame your co-parent for issues between the two of you or for your child.  If you can point at them, the focus is off from you.    It is very easy to be critical yet not effective in the least.

Counter-attack or blaming are used to try to win the battle or get the conflict to stop.  We learn how to respond to conflict when we are little and being exposed to parental conflict or when we feel criticized or bullied.  Even children learn the importance of a well-crafted comeback to use on a bully. (When it is the parent who is criticizing the child often keeps his come-back in his head. When coparents feel criticized a tit-for-tat cycle is often created.

This blame game is an attempt to judge or one-up the other person with a complaint of your own. It typically fuels the conflict as neither of you are taking turns listening. This allows you the fantasy to see yourself as better than the other person.  During the process we become an equal aggressor and end up derailing the original issue. “You never help our child with his homework!”  “Oh, yeah, well you never show up for his baseball games!”  Both parents are playing an immature game of tag-you are it!  Nothing good comes of this type of immature response and usually takes the current conflict and adds a squirt of dangerous lighter fluid to it.

How do you stop the blaming and judging? First recognize that we are all motivated best by positive reinforcement rather than negative.  Co-parents are no different. Second master the skill of stepping back and observing.  This will give you a less emotional view of what is happening. If you can describe in your head what you are observing, and do it without any judgement you will be on your way to changing your habit of judging.  The third step is to get better at identifying your negative thoughts and work to replace them with more realistic and compassionate thoughts about your co-parent.  Then identify what you are feeling when you want to criticize and learn to express yourself using an “I statement” rather than with a “you statements.”

When you observe you are like a fact finder describing what is happening in this moment, much like a reporter. This will allow you to block the judgements and replace it with observable facts. Other interventions include prayer, repentance, detaching, lowering expectations, and practicing gratitude.  Certainly, there is a co-parent somewhere in the world far worse than who you are having to deal with.  Challenge yourself to keep a record of how often you judge and criticize others, even in your thoughts! Then practice making observations instead.

Heavenly Father,

I know that I can be very critical when I am frustrated.  Help me learn to make observations rather than judgment which will only fuel the conflict.  Fill me with your Holy Spirt and renew me and cast out this prideful need to criticize. With Your help I can change this behavior, in Jesus’ name. Amen

How can I transform myself?

How can I transform myself?

Some people believe change is impossible. We all know that with God, all things are possible.  With God’s help, transforming yourself is a miracle worth achieving. This blog is an outline of the seven steps found in the webinar “Transform Conflict by Transforming Yourself” found on www.cooperativeparentinginstitute.com.  

Step 1 - Reflect upon your faith.  

Get a clear picture of what it is you believe.  For example, do you believe that God has a plan for you, that He loves you? Do you believe the two most important commandments are to love one another and to forgive each other?  Do you recognize the dangers outlined in scripture when we judge or do not forgive? Do you believe we are all one in God? You will find that as you get a clear sense of what you believe, that you may have the painful realization that your behaviors are not inline with your faith.  You may not be living a life of integrity.  

Step 2 - Now, shift focus from God and your faith, to your child.

Do you recognize how easy it is to put your child into a loyalty bind?  Do you understand how painful this is to your child? Do you understand that your child’s self esteem depends upon a belief that both parents are good?  Do you recognize how you are harming your child?

Step 3 - Make a Choice.

If you fully understand the problem, it will require you to make a major decision. Does your faith matter more than your anger and bitterness? Does your child’s self-esteem matter more than your need to speak poorly about their other parent? To be congruent, you can’t have it both ways!  Do you love God or do you hate your coparent?  Do you want to shield your child or bad mouth your coparent?  It is essential that you make an active forced choice.

Assuming, you agree in theory and are trying to make changes then you can proceed to the next step.

Step 4- Accept what is.  

If you thought a forced choice was hard, this one is up there with it.  Radical acceptance means that you have made a decision to accept what is-as it is not how you want it.  This means giving up the myth of fairness.

As part of acceptance, we must accept our human nature with its duality. We must become aware of our ego or it will control us.   This will allow you to mature spiritually.  Neither you nor your coparent are good or bad.  You are both. Until you accept this you will be stuck in the cycle of blame and bitterness. 

Another piece of spiritual maturity is the courage to recognize that what bothers you about your coparent is likely also within you. That is difficult to accept but your discomfort in this will indicate the truth behind the idea.

Furthermore, you must accept the notion that your thoughts and beliefs are the basis of your emotions and reactions.  Beliefs are so powerful that sometimes reality has no room to be considered.  Beliefs create assumptions and beliefs are responsible for our emotions.

This concept allows you to let go of the immature perspective that your coparent is responsible for everything that is wrong. It will also help you to recognize that a thought is not necessarily a truth. The last piece of acceptance is to acknowledge that the way in which we handle conflict actually becomes our “contribution” to the conflict. More on this concept in the webinar. 

Step 5- Eliminate destructive behaviors.

You will need to give up old behaviors to make room for new ones. Examples include: 

    • Give up playing the victim and replace with gratitude.

    • Give up envy and competition

    • Let go of blame/judgment

    • Recognize the myth of fairness

    • Eliminate pride and need to be right

    • Eliminate bitterness and resentment

    • Let go of score keeping

    • Eliminate gossip about your coparent

    • Reduce micromanaging your coparent

    • Reframe your negative thoughts about your coparent. 

    • Address your expectations for your coparent. 

    • Stop reacting 

Step 6 - Transform yourself by learning new behaviors

For example:  

    • Take responsibility for your part of the conflict

    • Be Intentional with your coparent

    • Become a better listener

    • Apologize when appropriate

    • Identify your anger triggers

    • Observe rather than judge

    • Be a generous giver

    • Make requests not demands

    • Live in gratitude

    • Develop qualities of the fruit of the spirit

    • Practice random acts of kindness

    • Speak to the “king”

    • Focus on finding common ground, not differences

    • Forgive your coparent

Step 7 - Take personal custody of yourself. 

Self care is essential to your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health and wellbeing.

    • Under stress it is important to learn to self-soothe

    • Learn the vital skill of detachment

    • Set boundaries as needed

    • Know when and how to withdraw

    • Forgive yourself

    • Trust God and pray daily for your transformation

To learn more visit https://www.cooperativeparentinginstitute.com/ for the webinar: “Transform Conflict by Transforming Yourself”  Scheduled to be available November 1st, 2024.