But God commendeth his love towards us, in that, while we were sinners,

Christ died for us.

Roman 5:8

Duality exists within everyone on the planet.  It is our wounded self that steers us away from our higher selves and does damage to self and others.  Likewise, your co-parent has a wounded self that causes them to make poor choices.  It does not help to justify the frequency of our destructive actions or keep count. It is not a competition. It is our wounded self that wants to make the other person responsible for the bulk of our problems.

Say your former partner was not an effective listener, did not give you attention, left the parenting to you or had difficulty saying no to work demands, does not mean they are less than you.  Even if they were too afraid to communicate their unhappiness to you and took the easy road by drinking, and becoming addicted to porn does not mean they are less than you in God’s eyes. Say they hired the most aggressive attorney to try to get custody of the children because they were afraid. This does not make them of less value to God.  It makes them vulnerable and frightened just like you.

To protect our wounded selves and hide our insecurity, we blame rather than feel our own shame. When we can relate to each other, even our “enemy,” we can see their vulnerable side which will naturally reduce our hostility towards them.  So, to be a peacemaker and look for the wounded and frightened soul that resides within your co-parent.  Anything that allows you to develop empathy for your co-parent as offender will help you on the path of awareness, forgiveness and peace.  Accept your own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with humility so you can accept theirs.

You and your co-parent are the product of a loving Creator.   Imagine parts of your co-parent that you may be able to admire or respect despite their negative behaviors towards you.  Avoid thinking in “all or nothing” ways. Separate the person from the problem, the spouse from the parent, the sinner from the child of God.

Heavenly Father,

Remind me that I only see fragments of my co-parent.  I only see what I want to see because of my negative beliefs and our history.  Help me see their attempts to be an active and effective parent rather than only focusing on their failures. As a result, Lord help me behave in a generous and flexible manner when it might benefit our child or benefit my co-parent.  Forgive me my sins and help me to recognize that neither me nor my co-parent are perfect.  Neither of us desires your unconditional love and forgiveness.  Give me strength to love.  Amen

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God.

Roman 3:23 ESV

Drama may occur in your life, especially around you and your co-parent.  Yet the most powerful warfare occurs within us.  The truth is we are all made up of a duality of darkness and light.  A primal split occurs in us where our authentic nature is lost by the creation of a fabricated self or ego.   This split is responsible for most of our emotional pain. We hide our dark sides from ourselves and from others.  As a result, we often project onto others our negative qualities and judge their behaviors.  Doing so helps our ego feel safe.  If we want to grow as Christians, we must become aware of our disowned shadow and repent.

Awareness and our egos are therefore, incompatible. The underlying emotion that governs all the activity of our ego is fear.  You may fear your child prefers the other parent, or that you will not be able to provide financially as the other parent.  You may fear being rejected by your former friends and in-laws or fear you will be replaced or left behind.  To become free of your ego requires the courage to become aware of it and take action. The unconscious drive behind your ego is to strengthen and reinforce the image of who you think you are.  The ego’s struggle feels like a life and death conflict if you are unaware.  When you become aware you can finally see both sides of yourself with your strengths and weakness. A healthy mind can tolerate ambivalence and juggle both good and bad in each other simultaneously.

It is essential that we have the courage to embrace the truth that we are all both good and bad, light and dark, strong and weak, thoughtful and cruel, giving and selfish.  Spiritual liberation occurs when we move from the darkness to the light.  Darkness brings blame, shame, judgment, pride and unforgiveness while God’s light brings us peace and acceptance.

Lord,

Help me accept and understand how my ego is behind my suffering and my reactions to my co-parent.  When I want to defend or deny remind me that I am just struggling to protect myself by disowning a part of me. Help me to repent and to be strong enough to self -examine and become more aware of my true self. Remind me that You see all of me and still love me.  Amen

If God accepts all of us how can I reject my coparent?