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How does your wounded self contribute to the problem?

  • Last updated: January 27, 2025 8:05 pm
  • Created: October 21, 2024 9:13 pm
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      But God commendeth his love towards us, in that, while we were sinners,

Christ died for us.

Roman 5:8

 

Duality exists within everyone on the planet.  It is our wounded self that steers us away from our higher selves and does damage to self and others.  Likewise, your co-parent has a wounded self that causes them to make poor choices.  It does not help to justify the frequency of our destructive actions or keep count. It is not a competition. It is our wounded self that wants to make the other person responsible for the bulk of our problems.

Say your former partner was not an effective listener, did not give you attention, left the parenting to you or had difficulty saying no to work demands, does not mean they are less than you.  Even if they were too afraid to communicate their unhappiness to you and took the easy road by drinking, and becoming addicted to porn does not mean they are less than you in God’s eyes. Say they hired the most aggressive attorney to try to get custody of the children because they were afraid. This does not make them of less value to God.  It makes them vulnerable and frightened just like you.

To protect our wounded selves and hide our insecurity, we blame rather than feel our own shame. When we can relate to each other, even our “enemy,” we can see their vulnerable side which will naturally reduce our hostility towards them.  So, to be a peacemaker and look for the wounded and frightened soul that resides within your co-parent.  Anything that allows you to develop empathy for your co-parent as offender will help you on the path of awareness, forgiveness and peace.  Accept your own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with humility so you can accept theirs.

You and your co-parent are the product of a loving Creator.   Imagine parts of your co-parent that you may be able to admire or respect despite their negative behaviors towards you.  Avoid thinking in “all or nothing” ways. Separate the person from the problem, the spouse from the parent, the sinner from the child of God.

Heavenly Father,

Remind me that I only see fragments of my co-parent.  I only see what I want to see because of my negative beliefs and our history.  Help me see their attempts to be an active and effective parent rather than only focusing on their failures. As a result, Lord help me behave in a generous and flexible manner when it might benefit our child or benefit my co-parent.  Forgive me my sins and help me to recognize that neither me nor my co-parent are perfect.  Neither of us desires your unconditional love and forgiveness.  Give me strength to love.  Amen

Authors

Susan Boyan

Over the last few decades of working with conflicted Christian coparents, I have encouraged parents to use their love for their children to change their own destructive behaviors. Unfortunately, this worked for only a portion of the conflicted parents. Over time, I discovered that incorporating faith into treatment has been the most effective intervention for change. I recognized many years ago the need for Christian coparents to have scripture-based skills to assist them in making personal changes. As someone who is passionate about improving the lives of families affected by divorce, and as a person of faith, this project has been on my heart for a very long time. As the proverb goes, “necessity is the mother of invention.”

My background and degrees are in special education, rehabilitation counseling, community counseling and marriage and family therapy. Furthermore, I have been writing and training on divorce related topics since 1993. I have authored professional articles on high-conflict divorce and co-authored seven books for conflicted divorced parents, as well as produced a psycho-educational coparenting video. I have also done TV interviews and frequently testify as an expert in the field of high-conflict divorce, parental alienation and parenting coordination.

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