Let all you do, be done in love.  

1 Corinthians 16:14 ESV

The story of the good Samaritan illustrates that sometimes it is the most unlikely person who steps up and does the right thing.  Those who were first to encounter the victim on the road had great status, acted righteous and did nothing. Yet the Samaritan, who was typically looked down upon by the Jews, was the man who took the beaten Jew and cared for him.  He tended to his wounds, found him shelter and provided for continued medical care.  He also left money to cover the man’s expenses.

What would this type of scenario look like today if your co-parent was harmed and you had an opportunity to step up and do the right thing.  If you saw your co-parent on the side of the road after a car accident, what would you do?  Would you stop?  Would you get them to the hospital?  Most likely you would at least call 911 to get them emergency care but would you follow them to the hospital, sit by their bed and hold their hand?  Would you help cover their medical expenses?

Lord,

Help me to be like the good Samaritan and have an open, compassionate, and generous heart.  Show me the ways in which I can step up, be a joyful giver, and be who You want me to be.  Give me the courage to push any pride or ego out of the way so that I can be your obedient child.  In Jesus’ name, Amen

      But God commendeth his love towards us, in that, while we were sinners,

Christ died for us.

Roman 5:8

Duality exists within everyone on the planet.  It is our wounded self that steers us away from our higher selves and does damage to self and others.  Likewise, your co-parent has a wounded self that causes them to make poor choices.  It does not help to justify the frequency of our destructive actions or keep count. It is not a competition. It is our wounded self that wants to make the other person responsible for the bulk of our problems.

Say your former partner was not an effective listener, did not give you attention, left the parenting to you or had difficulty saying no to work demands, does not mean they are less than you.  Even if they were too afraid to communicate their unhappiness to you and took the easy road by drinking, and becoming addicted to porn does not mean they are less than you in God’s eyes. Say they hired the most aggressive attorney to try to get custody of the children because they were afraid. This does not make them of less value to God.  It makes them vulnerable and frightened just like you.

To protect our wounded selves and hide our insecurity, we blame rather than feel our own shame. When we can relate to each other, even our “enemy,” we can see their vulnerable side which will naturally reduce our hostility towards them.  So, to be a peacemaker and look for the wounded and frightened soul that resides within your co-parent.  Anything that allows you to develop empathy for your co-parent as offender will help you on the path of awareness, forgiveness and peace.  Accept your own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with humility so you can accept theirs.

You and your co-parent are the product of a loving Creator.   Imagine parts of your co-parent that you may be able to admire or respect despite their negative behaviors towards you.  Avoid thinking in “all or nothing” ways. Separate the person from the problem, the spouse from the parent, the sinner from the child of God.

Heavenly Father,

Remind me that I only see fragments of my co-parent.  I only see what I want to see because of my negative beliefs and our history.  Help me see their attempts to be an active and effective parent rather than only focusing on their failures. As a result, Lord help me behave in a generous and flexible manner when it might benefit our child or benefit my co-parent.  Forgive me my sins and help me to recognize that neither me nor my co-parent are perfect.  Neither of us desires your unconditional love and forgiveness.  Give me strength to love.  Amen

 ….is there no King in thee?

Micah 4:9 CEV

As a parent, you certainly do not want to shame your child when you discipline then.   If you speak to the fool in your child, the fool will stand up.  If you speak to the King in your child, the King will stand up.  Likewise, if you speak to the fool within your co-parent that is who will ultimately stand up. On the other hand, if you speak to the King in your co-parent you may be surprised to find that the king may just stand up.

How do you make this happen?  By giving your co-parent respect, giving them the benefit of the doubt, speaking with compassion rather than contempt and avoid any negative assumptions about them or their motive. You can probably list all the ways in which your co-parent may act the fool.  This is not their best side.  Instead assume that there is a king within that you must speak to in order to get them to respond.

If you met a real king, you would be humble and respectful.  You would make any requests gently and carefully. You would assume the King has no reason to harm you and may want to help.  Can you Imagine making this much of a shift in how you speak to your co-parent?

Lord,

Help me speak to my co-parent in a different manner so I can get a different result.  Help me to expect the King so I have a better chance of finding the King.  Help me swallow my pride in order to speak to the King within him especially when I do not see the King.  Amen

But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,

gentleness and self-control.  Gal 5:22

It may seem next to impossible to consider demonstrating kindness towards your co-parent when you have so much animosity towards them.  Make a list of small kindnesses you could do, once in a blue moon and expect no thank you and no reciprocal kindness. Consider how any of these examples may soften your heart, keep you aligned with your faith, and even benefit you and your child.  If you feel resistant to this concept, do it anyhow.  Demonstrate kindness and it will indeed change you over time.  Here are ten ideas to get your list started:

1. Make sure your child has a card (or homemade card) for the other parent’s birthday, or other important day. (You would never send your child to a birthday party empty handed, would you? That would cause your child to feel embarrassed or uncomfortable.)
2. Mark your kitchen calendar with a smiley face to represent the days your child is with the other parent.
3. Thank your co-parent or their spouse for something and be specific
4. Tell your co-parent that you like the way they handled a parenting matter
5. Wave or say hello to your co-parent at each transfer or mutual activity. If this is already happening, try giving them a genuine compliment in front of your child
6. Show your child that you support the other parent’s decisions
7. Be generous and flexible about a request from the other parent for extra time without expecting anything in return. (Even if it seems that they are never flexible with you)
8. Text your co-parent a picture of your child doing something fun on a vacation or random event
9. Show your child you can let them love and respect their other parent even if you have strong feelings of the contrary-Keep your thoughts to yourself
10. Congratulate your co-parent when they get married, move, have a baby or secure a new job

Research indicates that those who share acts of kindness are 41% happier than those who do not. Princess Diana, commonly referred to as the People’s Princess, stated, “Carry out a random act of kindness with no expectation of reward, safe in the knowledge that one day someone might do the same for you.”  Paying for the customer’s coffee behind you is easy because you can assume, they are kind and grateful for your random act of kindness.  But it is much harder to show kindness to someone who has harmed you or continues to harm you. How do you show kindness when there is so much animosity between the two of you? You do it for your child, for yourself and to praise God by following His commandments.  According to Paster Jill Briscoe, “Transform the gift of love we give to others into a kindness the world seldom sees.”

Lord,

Help me demonstrate random, and not so random, acts of kindness.  I want my child to not only develop a kind heart, but I want kindness to be the way my child thinks of me as a person.  Give me the strength to accomplish the ability to put my feelings aside to show genuine kindness to my coparent. Eliminate any pride or stubbornness that would cause me to resist these simple changes for my child.  I choose to honor Your commandment and love my enemy while creating a positive legacy for my child.  Give me the strength to make these changes and demonstrate that I am stepping out in love.  Amen