Don’t sin by letting anger control you…

Psalm 4:4

When you are suffering in an unbearably unjust situation, your anger may turn to resentment.   If you attach anger to the face of our co-parent, overtime you will find yourself handcuffed to them and consumed by resentment.  Being angry is not a sin but acting on it or being controlled by your anger is. Anger and resentment give a “foothold to the devil.” Anger, resentment, bitterness, pride and unforgiveness have a way of building a closed system that leaves no room for compassion or kindness.  If letting go is not working then create a ritual to reinforce your desire to change.  For example, carry a rock in your pocket and identify it as your bitterness/resentment/pride/unforgiveness.  Pray and mediate on God’s Holy Word asking for the strength to let go.

Most of us do not want to live a life enslaved by negative emotions.  Address your pride, work through your anger, and make a commitment to let go of bitterness and forgive. Recognize the magnitude of this task but remember with God, nothing is impossible.  Ask for God’s divine intervention.

Lord,

I can feel my anger turning into resentment when it seems the situations keep repeating.  Help me to focus on changing myself rather than waiting on my co-parent to change.  Release me from the darkness that comes over me with these feelings.  I choose to see my co-parent as -my child’s other parent rather than the person who has harmed me personally.  Be with me as I work through these feelings. I know, with Your help, I can make this happen.  Amen

Fools give full vent to their rage, but the wise bring calm to the end. 

Proverbs 29:11

Letting anger control you will result in poor impulse control. Without self-control, you are at risk of making choices that harm you or others.  Learning how to manage your emotions is a skill you were supposed to learn as a child.  If you were raised by a parent figure who did not set limits or demonstrated poor impulse control, this may have interfered with the development of your own self-control.  However, in certain areas of your life, you may have adequate self-control such being able to stop drinking after a couple glasses of wine, or by keeping your driving below the speed limit.  Self-control is needed in all areas throughout each day.  However, when negatively charged feelings like anger, hurt, and shame are triggered, it may be more difficult to use self-control. To have healthy feelings and relationships, we cannot allow our emotions to overtake our thinking.

Self-control requires us to identify types of anger while resisting the impulse to do what we want in that moment, in favor of a better choice.  If your co-parent attempts to start a conflict when your child is present, you know you need to resist getting into the conflict. This is good parenting because you are demonstrating self-control and you are sacrificing your wants to protect and shield your child.

When we feel the strong desire to react, we need to calm ourselves with a deep breath, reframe our thoughts, and then act.  This is a life skill you want to teach your child, so if you are not good at resisting destructive impulses now, allow this to motivate you to practice for yourself and for your child.  In the process, it will bring you greater inner peace and help you feel more effective with your child and your co-parent. The only way to really change our default, knee-jerk response, is to become aware of our feelings and thoughts before we act.  Slow yourself down.

Lord,

You know how I can become overwhelmed with anger towards my co-parent. Forgive me for my hateful thoughts. Help me breathe in love and compassion to avoid judging. I long to focus on pleasing You rather than continuing to feel my anger. With Your help, I can slow down my responses so that I have access to my rational self and make better choices. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Don’t get quickly provoked in your spirit, for anger resides in the lap of fools.  Ecclesiastes 7:9

Knowing your anger triggers will help you prepare for a better outcome. You will be able to anticipate your coparent’s topic and equally as important, your own predictable response.  Knowing your triggers is like having a traffic app on your phone that will notify you of the pot holes in the road just up ahead.

Since your emotions are the result of your thoughts about what happens, it is important to come to recognize the thoughts that are fueling your anger.  Typically, the thoughts that cause us distress have a theme to them that will help you modify your thinking.  As a result of understanding these patterns you will feel a greater sense of control over your emotions.  Some examples of themes include:

• Being disrespected: Not being consulted.  Not being listed on the school paperwork
• Being undermined as a parent: Telling the children things to counter you.
• Being controlled or micromanaged: Telling you what to do.
• Being criticized: Blaming and telling you what you are doing wrong.
• About finances: Expecting you to spend more money than you have.
• About being taken for granted: Not showing an appreciation for what you do.
• About being left behind by a new relationship: Pushing to embrace their new partner
• Attempts to alienate: Telling your child negative things about you.
• About jealousy over the children: Spoiling the children to buy their love.
• About following the court order: Not honoring sections of the parenting plan.
• About a new significant other: Allowing the new person to discipline your child
• About parental expectations: Making negative assumptions about you.
• About neglecting your child

It is important to recognize the difference in being treated with disrespect and “feeling disrespected.” The person who is easily wounded will experience far more triggers than were intended. Keep an open mind to recognize how you feel may not be the intent.  If so, you may be personalizing too much.

The most important part of knowing your triggers is to then decipher exactly what your thoughts are regarding these themes and then determine if your beliefs are true. When you can understand how negative and powerful your thoughts are, you can attempt to modify your thoughts after the fact to prepare you for the next time they occur.  It is just a matter of time and this time you can respond differently! So, discover what is it that gets under your skin and gets you baited to react.  Stop getting angry and being so predictable!

Lord,

I am tired of reacting with anger and irritation. Help me recognize my triggers so I can be better prepared to not react.  I know it is possible, with Your help, to change my anger response by changing my thoughts. Help me replace my anger with a renewed heart and forgive me for allowing my anger to control me.  When I feel angry, help me to

1. Identify the feeling
2. Lift these feelings up to You
3. Commit to expressing them in a constructive manner and then
4. Release these negative feelings and let them go.

With Your help I will be able to move mountains!  In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen

He who justifies the wicked and he who condemns the righteous, both alike are an abomination to the Lord.  Proverbs 17:15

In order to increase compassion and defuse negative feelings of irritation and anger towards your co-parent, close your eyes and image traveling back in time through your mind.  Visualize your co-parent as a tiny infant, just a few months old -smiling up at you.  Notice their toothless grin, their chubby thighs and their dimpled little fingers. Take in their soft, sweet, flawless skin and scent.  Now gently pick them up in your mind and experience their complete innocence.   This is someone’s precious child, God’s precious child.  Recognize that this vulnerable part of your co-parent still exists within, hiding under all the negative life lessons and challenges they have experienced.

Now take a deep breath and move forward in time-past the present into the distant future. Travel to a time when your co-parent is on their death bed.  See their frail body, worn out eyes and twisted hands. You and your child are present to say goodbye.  What would you want to say as part of the goodbye if you choose to demonstrate compassion?  Would any of the conflict really matter?

Lord,

Guide me to recognize the vulnerable parts of my co-parent.  Remind me of their life struggles and their personal pain so that I can have more compassion for them.  When they are acting at their worst help me to use my mind to visit either of these times to detach and soften my heart.  Amen

A hot-tempered man causes arguments but a patient man calms a quarrel

Proverbs 15:18

If you truly desire to find peace with your coparent you will need to give up blame and unforgiveness. However, is hard to know what to replace our destructive responses with when attempting to defuse conflict. There is much written on this, but a few tips may get you started on the right path for your situation:

• Pray for God’s help before, during and after any potential conflict
• Slow your responses down to avoid impulsive reactions
• Avoid starting sentences with a “you” statement
• Make sure your response is gentle versus aggressive
• Breathe, don’t interrupt-just listen without thinking or speaking
• If you must say something, ask for more information “Tell me more about this”
• Come into any encounter with a goal of being kind even in the face of aggression
• Resist correcting your co-parent on minor details
• Pick your battle-to win the war for your child might mean losing a battle here and there
• If you show anger or use a sharp tongue- quickly apologize and restate it in a constructive manner
• Replace the word “but” with “and.”
• Make your requests specific and behavioral when possible
• Don’t take the bait when they blame, attack or distract you- Disengage from the mind game
• Act respectful
• Tell them they are right about something
• Whenever possible find something to thank them for, even if it is simply listening
• When necessary, set limits to protect yourself or child
• If your limits are not respected calmly remove yourself
• Focus on the problem not the person
• Don’t reject any of your co-parent’s ideas just thank them for their ideas and present other options
• Make your focus about your child rather than about your ego
• Stay focused on the present not the past
• Let them have the last word

Lord, I know you are always with me and for me. I know you also love my co-parent and our child. Help us to have a positive outcome or at least improved communication. Help me stand back and view the conflict from my co-parent’s perspective and Your perspective. Hold me close. Amen