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When was the last time your mouth got you into trouble?

  • Last updated: January 27, 2025 8:24 pm
  • Created: December 09, 2024 9:14 pm
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 When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent

Proverbs 10:19 ESV

There are times when you may be tempted to respond when you know it will only make matters worse. This can happen in person, by phone or email.  Writing reactive responses allows us to go on and on in a free style that is conducive for an angry writer. Most coparents use too many words to try to explain or attack.  It is only the conflict avoider who does not.  As a result, it is important to save drafts for another day before sending them when you are distressed.

It can be very annoying receiving too many unnecessary text messages at all hours from your co-parent.  You read the text, get angry and want to explain or defend yourself.  You may want to repeat your communication protocol by reminding them not to use text unless it is an emergency.  You may find it difficult to not correct your co-parent or simply are tempted to have the last word.   You may want to counterattack and blame the other parent for being aggressive.  Whatever the reason, if you respond, you have fallen into their predictable trap.  If you respond when it is better to say nothing, you become part of the problem.  Even a calm response may feed a manipulative coparent who simply wants to engage with you at any cost.

If your coparent asks you something by text that is personal or inappropriate you could respond one time with a simple “N/A.”  Or instead of complaining about the breach in communication you can respond once with “email Sunday” your usual co-parenting communication day. If you receive an aggressive text you can choose to ignore the text message for now and respond to the problem in your weekly email or not at all.  Sometimes less really is best.

Lord, 

Help me to use self-control to avoid defending myself when my co-parent is trying to negatively engage me.  Part of me wants to respond out of pride but help me resist.  I want to use good judgement and not get hooked by the conflict. Help me control my mouth and limit my words. Amen

Authors

Susan Boyan

Over the last few decades of working with conflicted Christian coparents, I have encouraged parents to use their love for their children to change their own destructive behaviors. Unfortunately, this worked for only a portion of the conflicted parents. Over time, I discovered that incorporating faith into treatment has been the most effective intervention for change. I recognized many years ago the need for Christian coparents to have scripture-based skills to assist them in making personal changes. As someone who is passionate about improving the lives of families affected by divorce, and as a person of faith, this project has been on my heart for a very long time. As the proverb goes, “necessity is the mother of invention.”

My background and degrees are in special education, rehabilitation counseling, community counseling and marriage and family therapy. Furthermore, I have been writing and training on divorce related topics since 1993. I have authored professional articles on high-conflict divorce and co-authored seven books for conflicted divorced parents, as well as produced a psycho-educational coparenting video. I have also done TV interviews and frequently testify as an expert in the field of high-conflict divorce, parental alienation and parenting coordination.

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