But God commendeth his love towards us, in that, while we were sinners,
Christ died for us.
Roman 5:8
Duality exists within everyone on the planet. It is our wounded self that steers us away from our higher selves and does damage to self and others. Likewise, your co-parent has a wounded self that causes them to make poor choices. It does not help to justify the frequency of our destructive actions or keep count. It is not a competition. It is our wounded self that wants to make the other person responsible for the bulk of our problems.
Say your former partner was not an effective listener, did not give you attention, left the parenting to you or had difficulty saying no to work demands, does not mean they are less than you. Even if they were too afraid to communicate their unhappiness to you and took the easy road by drinking, and becoming addicted to porn does not mean they are less than you in God’s eyes. Say they hired the most aggressive attorney to try to get custody of the children because they were afraid. This does not make them of less value to God. It makes them vulnerable and frightened just like you.
To protect our wounded selves and hide our insecurity, we blame rather than feel our own shame. When we can relate to each other, even our “enemy,” we can see their vulnerable side which will naturally reduce our hostility towards them. So, to be a peacemaker and look for the wounded and frightened soul that resides within your co-parent. Anything that allows you to develop empathy for your co-parent as offender will help you on the path of awareness, forgiveness and peace. Accept your own Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde with humility so you can accept theirs.
You and your co-parent are the product of a loving Creator. Imagine parts of your co-parent that you may be able to admire or respect despite their negative behaviors towards you. Avoid thinking in “all or nothing” ways. Separate the person from the problem, the spouse from the parent, the sinner from the child of God.
Heavenly Father,
Remind me that I only see fragments of my co-parent. I only see what I want to see because of my negative beliefs and our history. Help me see their attempts to be an active and effective parent rather than only focusing on their failures. As a result, Lord help me behave in a generous and flexible manner when it might benefit our child or benefit my co-parent. Forgive me my sins and help me to recognize that neither me nor my co-parent are perfect. Neither of us desires your unconditional love and forgiveness. Give me strength to love. Amen