To fear the Lord is to hate evil; I hate pride and arrogance, evil behavior and perverse speech.
Proverbs 8:13
According to Dr. John Gottman’s theory on couple’s communication, he observed patterns of communication that stand out in couples who are at risk of divorce. The first of the three types is the critical style of interacting. Blaming, criticizing and judging are all part of this negative interaction. It makes perfect sense that this style would also be found in divorced couples with children. Criticizing is a way to counterattack and blame your co-parent for issues between the two of you or for your child. If you can point at them, the focus is off from you. It is very easy to be critical yet not effective in the least.
Counter-attack or blaming are used to try to win the battle or get the conflict to stop. We learn how to respond to conflict when we are little and being exposed to parental conflict or when we feel criticized or bullied. Even children learn the importance of a well-crafted comeback to use on a bully. (When it is the parent who is criticizing the child often keeps his come-back in his head. When coparents feel criticized a tit-for-tat cycle is often created.
This blame game is an attempt to judge or one-up the other person with a complaint of your own. It typically fuels the conflict as neither of you are taking turns listening. This allows you the fantasy to see yourself as better than the other person. During the process we become an equal aggressor and end up derailing the original issue. “You never help our child with his homework!” “Oh, yeah, well you never show up for his baseball games!” Both parents are playing an immature game of tag-you are it! Nothing good comes of this type of immature response and usually takes the current conflict and adds a squirt of dangerous lighter fluid to it.
How do you stop the blaming and judging? First recognize that we are all motivated best by positive reinforcement rather than negative. Co-parents are no different. Second master the skill of stepping back and observing. This will give you a less emotional view of what is happening. If you can describe in your head what you are observing, and do it without any judgement you will be on your way to changing your habit of judging. The third step is to get better at identifying your negative thoughts and work to replace them with more realistic and compassionate thoughts about your co-parent. Then identify what you are feeling when you want to criticize and learn to express yourself using an “I statement” rather than with a “you statements.”
When you observe you are like a fact finder describing what is happening in this moment, much like a reporter. This will allow you to block the judgements and replace it with observable facts. Other interventions include prayer, repentance, detaching, lowering expectations, and practicing gratitude. Certainly, there is a co-parent somewhere in the world far worse than who you are having to deal with. Challenge yourself to keep a record of how often you judge and criticize others, even in your thoughts! Then practice making observations instead.
Heavenly Father,
I know that I can be very critical when I am frustrated. Help me learn to make observations rather than judgment which will only fuel the conflict. Fill me with your Holy Spirt and renew me and cast out this prideful need to criticize. With Your help I can change this behavior, in Jesus’ name. Amen