How can I transform myself?

Step 1 – Reflect upon your faith.  

Get a clear picture of what it is you believe.  For example, do you believe that God has a plan for you, that He loves you? Do you believe the two most important commandments are to love one another and to forgive each other?  Do you recognize the dangers outlined in scripture when we judge or do not forgive? Do you believe we are all one in God? You will find that as you get a clear sense of what you believe, that you may have the painful realization that your behaviors are not inline with your faith.  You may not be living a life of integrity.  

Step 2 – Now, shift focus from God and your faith, to your child.

Do you recognize how easy it is to put your child into a loyalty bind?  Do you understand how painful this is to your child? Do you understand that your child’s self esteem depends upon a belief that both parents are good?  Do you recognize how you are harming your child?

Step 3 – Make a Choice.

If you fully understand the problem, it will require you to make a major decision. Does your faith matter more than your anger and bitterness? Does your child’s self-esteem matter more than your need to speak poorly about their other parent? To be congruent, you can’t have it both ways!  Do you love God or do you hate your coparent?  Do you want to shield your child or bad mouth your coparent?  It is essential that you make an active forced choice.

Assuming, you agree in theory and are trying to make changes then you can proceed to the next step.

Step 4- Accept what is.  

If you thought a forced choice was hard, this one is up there with it.  Radical acceptance means that you have made a decision to accept what is-as it is not how you want it.  This means giving up the myth of fairness.

As part of acceptance, we must accept our human nature with its duality. We must become aware of our ego or it will control us.   This will allow you to mature spiritually.  Neither you nor your coparent are good or bad.  You are both. Until you accept this you will be stuck in the cycle of blame and bitterness. 

Another piece of spiritual maturity is the courage to recognize that what bothers you about your coparent is likely also within you. That is difficult to accept but your discomfort in this will indicate the truth behind the idea.

Furthermore, you must accept the notion that your thoughts and beliefs are the basis of your emotions and reactions.  Beliefs are so powerful that sometimes reality has no room to be considered.  Beliefs create assumptions and beliefs are responsible for our emotions.

This concept allows you to let go of the immature perspective that your coparent is responsible for everything that is wrong. It will also help you to recognize that a thought is not necessarily a truth. The last piece of acceptance is to acknowledge that the way in which we handle conflict actually becomes our “contribution” to the conflict. More on this concept in the webinar. 

Step 5- Eliminate destructive behaviors.

You will need to give up old behaviors to make room for new ones. Examples include: 

• Give up playing the victim and replace with gratitude.
• Give up envy and competition
• Let go of blame/judgment
• Recognize the myth of fairness
• Eliminate pride and need to be right
• Eliminate bitterness and resentment
• Let go of score keeping
• Eliminate gossip about your coparent
• Reduce micromanaging your coparent
• Reframe your negative thoughts about your coparent. 
• Address your expectations for your coparent. 
• Stop reacting 

Step 6 – Transform yourself by learning new behaviors

For example:  

• Take responsibility for your part of the conflict
• Be Intentional with your coparent
• Become a better listener
• Apologize when appropriate
• Identify your anger triggers
• Observe rather than judge
• Be a generous giver
• Make requests not demands
• Live in gratitude
• Develop qualities of the fruit of the spirit
• Practice random acts of kindness
• Speak to the “king”
• Focus on finding common ground, not differences
• Forgive your coparent

Step 7 – Take personal custody of yourself. 

Self care is essential to your mental, physical, emotional and spiritual health and wellbeing.

• Under stress it is important to learn to self-soothe
• Learn the vital skill of detachment
• Set boundaries as needed
• Know when and how to withdraw
• Forgive yourself
• Trust God and pray daily for your transformation